I've been thinking about him again. Ever since I saw him two weekends ago it's all I can think about. And I. Hate. It. Because it's your fault things didn't work out and I know I deserve better and I got too attached wayyy too soon but there's just something about you that I really liked. We clicked in a way that I hadn't really with anyone else in awhile and I wanted things to last. you made it sound like they would and i hate you for it because now i know you didn't mean it.
I hate that I was a second choice for you and I hate that despite all of that I'm still hoping you'll text me. that's the thing though, i know you're no good for me and I know I deserve better but I was really hoping you'd be that. we had dreams to fulfill and now that it's all spoiled I'm finding it a lil hard to move on. But then again that's always how it's been for me because this time last year I was completely hung up over another guy who's so similar to you and it just makes me realize how bad my taste in men really is.
But more than any issues with boys, I've jus now realized the extent of my procrastination senior year. I worked my ass off the last three years to maintain a good gpa and now that the college application process is almost over its like nothing even mattered because I'm not going out of state like I'd always wanted. I'm staying in my home state and while I really don't mind because UT is an amazing school, I've just now realized that I've been too dependent on the idea of going there without taking into consideration that I might not have enough financial aid to actually attend and that crushes me more than ever because then was any of it worth it?
It's January the first of a whole new ass decade and as I'm writing this I've decided that it's time for me to stop complaining. Whether that'd be about boys or school or my family, I'm done. if I want something I'm getting it. No more feeling like Im not doing enough. Tomorrow will be a new day with new goals in mind and I'll work on that scholarship I need. I'll work on the hw I've been delaying and I'll look into more schools just in case. But more than that, I'll get over you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually because things always come and go and they change and you're one of them. They leave for a reason and as much as I don't want to admit it, you left too.
