105 plus 313 is 418,
To you that's just a simple math equation but for me that's one banana and a slice of un-buttered toast,
The calculator in my head never stops working,
The voice in my mind never stops talking,
Nothing tastes as good as how skinny feels,
A saying I follow religiously,
Because we live in a world where size 10 is considered plus size,
and all every girl wants is a small waist and skinny thighs,
105 plus 313 is 418,
never forget that fact,
for in order to be skinny you should only eat 500 calories per day max,
and you'll soon start to shrink,
Smaller,
I wanted to get smaller,
small and compact like the gorgeous models in Victoria secret magazines,
3 months later and I'm still not skinny enough however I have forgotten what the food tastes like in my school lunch canteen,
I'm now cold,
cold and hungry but still not small enough,
Even though I haven't had my period in months and I could recite the carbs and cals book back to you by memory,
I now only eat one meal a day which consists of lettuce and celery,
My hair is thinning,
my body is crumbling down like a badly built tower,
I replaced eating food with other fun activities such as fainting or googling the amount of calories in a tube of Colgate toothpaste,
Which is 2 by the way, surprisingly the same as in a single grape,
The cold will not let me go,
wrapping myself in jumpers and scarfs trying so hard to escape the freezing air,
However when I look in the mirror I still want to be smaller, it's so not fair,
Anorexia is keeping me as a prisoner and it's controlling my life,
I feel beautiful when I am hungry,
418 calories is now to many,
I know I am getting sick,
for my brittle bones shake when I hold a pen or try to stand,
I want to recover,
However no matter how hard I try I can never forget that,
105 plus 313 is 418,
I fear these numbers will even be engraved on my grave stone,
However I look at my friends,
some of whom have previously survived this illness before,
and I never want to put them through the pain of losing me to it,
And if I don't chose recovery then I am choosing death.
Little but often,
My therapist said that it's normal for me to remember 418 and that the calculator may never stop working,
And the dietitian told me that if I eat little but often,
one day anorexia may set me free from it's prison,
But i'll never forget that,
105 plus 313 will always be 418.
