Dear journal,
Today I woke up at exactly seven thirty as i do everyday, I made my bed twice, brushed my teeth three times and combed my hair twice. Same as any morning. I made my way down stairs remembering to start with my right foot and to skip the last step. I made my way into the kitchen and turned the lights on and off, on and off, on and off three times. I poured my usual cereal into the same bowl. Exactly fifty pieces. Poured two cups of milk and ate peacefully. Mother came into the kitchen ruffling my hair and passing me four colored pills. Two blue and two green.
It was cloudy on my way to school but it didn't start raining until i reached the door of the building, I stood there for a moment under the gloomy clouds. Then water began to sprinkle, cold and wet on my skin. Drops of water trickled down my body as I stood there frozen, my gaze fixed on the horizon, staring at the beauty of the whole scenario. As the clouds continued crying, I turned and walked inside.
As i walked to my first class i could feel every ones eyes burning holes in the back of my head. I could hear everyone snicker under their breath. i can now add "Spazz" and "schizophrenic" to list of names they call me. I reached my locker only to find the word "freak" spray painted purposely uneven and messy. I breathed in deeper. i'll clean it off after class i thought to myself trying to desperately think of something else. I got to first period alright. I sat in my usual desk and anxiously waited for everyone to take their seat so class could begin.
Five minuets later, the seat in front of me was still empty. I guess Justin wasn't coming today. I felt both relived and disappointed. For one i wanted to ask if he was the one who found me during my panic attack but on the bright side that mess of a human wasn't blocking my view and i had an excuse for not talking to him. Ten minuets later. Still no show. I grew more annoyed. I hated changes in the schedule. Breathing in deeper i decided to just focus on my work. Each letter was perfectly placed no more than twenty five words per line.
Something wasn't right.
I erased everything and started again. Word by word. Letter by letter. Still wrong.
I erased everything again. Still wrong.
I tore up the page and started a fresh.
I was half way through dotting the 'i' in my last word of the sentence when the teacher announced we had to hand them in. I clenched my fists.
"Alister, your paper please?" She asked firmly.
"I'm not f-finished." i stammered out.
"You can finish next class, please pass your paper in."
"no! i can't it's not done. i have to finish it." Why couldn't she understand? I had to finish it, i couldn't just leave half of it blank. That wasn't right.
More students were looking at me now. My palms got sweaty and the pressure dropped again.
"Alister. Now."
"Just hand it in you freak don't spaz out again." someone behind me called out.
Not wanting to attract attention i shakily picked up my paper and handed it in. Lucky for me the bell rang and i effortlessly made my way to my locker again. It clicked. That's what was wrong. I had to clean my locker, i had to get the ugly black words off. i neatly placed my books into my locker and rushed of to find some paper towels and water.
Fifty five steps later.
Upon arriving at the boys washroom i heard what sounded like someone was pounding the stall doors. Laughter erupted as i slowly turned the corner. I flinched immediately upon seeing Tommy's face, he wasn't alone. About three others surrounded him in a semi-circle like form. They were to distracted by the something they surrounded to notice me. i wanted badly to back out and run but the pressure in my chest wouldn't lift. I had to clean my locker. My hands were already trembling. I took a deep breath and prayed they didn't notice me, as i made my way towards the paper towels careful to avoid any mirrors.I knew i would freak if i saw my reflection. Out of the corner of my eye i could see Tommy mercilessly kicking something which resulted in laughter from the others. Tommy's gross blonde bleached hair shook with every blow he placed. Five more steps and i had reached the paper towels.
