Due to the incident i had skipped art class,it was unfortunate, art is something that takes my mind off things, surprisingly it didn't bother me much. Justin helped me wash of the words on my locker so i managed to get through the day alright. I didn't see Tommy or his friends that afternoon either but my heart skips a beat every time i think of what he could have waiting for me next time. I received my math quiz back with a perfect score as usual so the rest of the day was fairly calm.
On my way home, i passed the usual flower shop, comic book store, the always busy Walmart and the coffee shop, the last store on the street. There were all types of people there, an older girl on her laptop taking sips from a mug, an elderly man drinking what looked like coffee while reading the paper and what caught my attention was a boy and a girl maybe a bit older than me sat in a corner kissing. I never understood the whole relationship thing i mean do you just pick out someone? Are they like your best friend? What makes it different than any other friendship? It's not like i have friends anyway so i wouldn't understand.
The rain had started up again by the time i reached my house.
I opened the door and made sure to lock it three times behind me.
I found my sister on the foot of the stairs when i entered. Her eyes were filled with tears.
"Alister..." She choked out.
"Whats wrong Violet?" I ran towards her.
She proceeded to hold up her beloved teddy bear's head detached from the rest of his body.
"Daddy broke it, i tried to sew it back on but i only ended up stabbing my fingers. Please fix it Alister." She whimpered as another tear rolled down her cheek.
"Of course i'll fix it, i'll make it better than it was before." I took the bear gingerly in my hands. "Where's mother?"
"Daddy made her go out to buy stuff." She stood up wiping her eyes.
"Alright, well go play and i'll have this fixed soon. Try and keep out of dad's way alright?" I made my way upstairs.
i know i told her i would fix the bear but i had to stick to my schedule. So after checking that my room was up to standards i spent exactly two hours and fifteen minuets on homework. Five minuets checking my email. Not that anybody ever wrote. And the last forty minuets practicing piano. today i played Beethoven's fifth symphony twenty times through without restarting. It in fact was a good day. My fingers flew across the keys with grace and elegance and for another brief moment i was normal more than normal, i was creating something beautiful; notes upon notes flawlessly chained to one another. But there was something missing. I just couldn't place my finger on it. I didn't think much about it. I set to work on the bear. I could sew fairly well for a boy my age it had started when i was young, i would take apart my clothing in order to fix it to fit me perfectly. As i sewed the bear a thought crossed my mind. If only people were as easily fixed as a stuffed bear.
I made my way down stairs in search of Violet only to find father sitting at the dining table staring into space holding a beer. He turned to look at me.
"Boy. What do you search for?" His voice gruff and his disgusting beard wet with beer.
"I came to return this to Violet." I held up the bear as a guilty look crossed his face. Good.
"She's outside." He returned to staring into space. I turned around and headed to the back yard.
"Alister." He called. I stopped in my tracks with out looking back at him. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
Here we go again. I thought.
"It's fine."
I continued walking only to stop again.
"Hey, dad."
"Hmm?"
"What's a gay?"
"Where did you here that?" His voice came out louder and sterner.
"Some kids at school were talking about it." It wasn't completely a lie...
"Gay people are disgusting. They are a poison to this world. You stay away from them you here?! I don't want you bringing it up again." The anger in his voice stood firm. I decided not to press further.
Anger of my own welled up inside me. That first spark before a flame.
The only thing i could think of was Justin. What could possibly be so bad about him? I remembered how Tommy kept kicking him. "I saw you looking at me in the lockers." Was that it? I didn't understand, people look at people all the time it's a basic human method of communicating. You need to look at things for your brain to make a connection with the certain object. Why would that piss off Tommy? I'm so confused. Justin doesn't seem like a bad person. He's not disgusting either, even with his messy hair and ripped clothes he still looks clean to me. I guess i'll find out whats going on two days from now.
I eventually returned the bear to Violet. It brought a smile to her face.
I spent the rest of my afternoon sketching. Art, you could say was my hidden talent. In a way you could say i have ocd to thank for that. My need to draw things as they are perfected my drawing methods. I treat art like i treat my journal. I pass on the information from my life onto paper. I drew the panic i felt during my panic attack yesterday, i drew the feeling of having something inside me i could not get out. I drew Justin's mocking smile and i drew the symmetry he showed me in the puddle. His face perfectly symmetrical and mine mismatched. I sketched his face over and over again. i sketched father as the angry storm that wanted badly to knock down my door. I even sketched the couple kissing in the coffee shop. Violet dancing freely in the rain. I long to create something truly beautiful. That thought keeps me going every day.
It's now eleven sharp. My usual bed time. I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.
A have a good feeling about tomorrow.
This is me checking out.
This is me checking out.
This is me checking out.
Alister.
