Misunderstood

Reasons

I suppose everyone has a reason for doing what they did. But most are just copouts. "I didn't know it would have that effect" "I wasn't thinking" "It was an accident". We've all heard them time and time again. But what if, the reason behind ones action, is harder to explain? What if, the true reason, is really just a compilation of fear and hurt? The fear of not knowing what will happen when time and distance plays a factor in the end result. The knowledge that the end result will most often be a bad one. I know there is no excuse for taking actions, or telling lies, but at least let me explain the reasons behind my lies. Yes, they caused pain, but it wasn't just yours. The words I've said hurt us both, but I guess that is why they were said. Not to cause pain, but to create the distance between our hearts, before it was created by others as we were kept apart. I know you said "nothing will change, we'll find a way to make it work" but I was scared. I was scared of losing the only thing that matters to me. I was scared that once the distance was created, that your love and memories would fade. I was scared that we would both be wondering "what if?" Things are supposed to heal and mend with time, but that isn't how it really works.  Time causes doubt and pain. The doubt forms from not knowing if things will be the same as when you left, or if the things you cherish will be out of reach. The pain comes from knowing that, no matter how hard or long you try, things will slip out of your grasp. That is why I've said what I have. Why I have pushed you away to the point where you probably don't ever want to come back. I hate to see your pain, but I thought it would be better than to leave with our hearts as one, always wondering if our love still lives in, not just our hearts, but in our souls. I see now how wrong I was, that I should've just explained my troubled thoughts to begin with. But instead all I've succeeded in doing is causing pain to the last person to have deserved it. They say that if you love something, let it go, and if it returns, then it's meant to be. And while I wish our fairytale ending was still a possibility, I know that the damage I have caused by the words I have spoken, have dulled the flame that our hearts once held. So now the fire in your heart has most likely simmered out, my love is made from an eternal flame that only burns for you.