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Chapter Six- Cries and Lies

My breathing shallow and hands shaking, I strip off my swimsuit and turn around.

From the back of my thighs, right under my butt to my lower back, are thin, jagged, black scars.

...

I press a hand to my mouth, sinking down onto the bathroom floor. Cold, hard tile presses against the scars as my other arm wraps around my legs, pulled up to my bare chest. I blink fast, breathing shakily and rocking back and forth. I don't know why, but it's comforting. My heart feels like it's about to be torn out of my chest and I have no idea what to do. I don't know how I got the scars, but I somehow know down to my bones that it has something to do with Tristan. Waves and waves of numbness wash through me as tears trace down my cheeks. I sniffle and a ragged breath tears out of my throat. 

I don't want to get up. I don't want to think about what the scars mean. I don't want to think about Tristan. I don't want to remember what he did. I don't want to feel this anymore. 

I can't do this. I can't fall asleep another night, remembering where his hands have touched me. Where he has violated me. 

The world pales, the coldness in the tile working it's way to my core and resenting with something already there. I feel it toying with my heart, pumping ice cold silver liquid into my bloodstream and then pulling it away, letting the pain bloom into a beautiful, poisonous purple flower.

'Stand up.' My wolf orders me.

'What?' I sniffle, wanting the the liquid to wash over me, taking the pain. 

'Stand up. Now!' 

My wolf's voice jars me into following her orders. My body is still shaking, but I reach into the shower and turn it on, steaming hot water pouring from the shower head. I step inside and let the water spray onto my head, cascading down my spine and pooling at my feet at my wolf's command. After rinsing my body and head of all thoughts, I step out and pat myself dry with a fluffy white towel. When I walk out of the bathroom, I don't glance at the mirror and I don't think about anything except getting clothes on and making it through dinner. 

With my usual pair of leggings, an over sized knit sweater, and my dripping wet hair, I head downstairs to hear the soft murmur of voices and the smell of mom's apple pie. Everyone is gathered in the living room, smiling and laughing about something someone said. At my arrival, Blake looks up at me sharply, all expression of humor gone. I look away from his gaze and smile at everyone, sitting down next to Bonnie on the couch and wrapping my arms around her small frame. Dad pulls out the family game, Apples to Apples and we all groan, even though we always end up laughing up a storm. 

Someone always put's down Helen Keller for everything. If you think about it, it's kind of sad and more than a little rude... but why would they make her a card if it wasn't also a little funny? 

Scary? Humorous? Foul, Absurd, Classic? You name it and she can be put down for it. 

So for a few hours, I don't think about all of the worst thoughts in my head and I don't think about everything that's shitty in my life. 

I just laugh with my family and eat an amazingly delicious meal, before the nightmares come to take me back again and the food doesn't taste so good.

*** 

My head is in the porcelain toilet, throwing up the food that I ingested the previous night. You'd think that throwing up every morning would help you lose weight, but you're wrong because your body doesn't actually get rid of fat or anything like that. Yes, you're vomiting the carbs and sugars, but your body actually needs those to help your organs function. If you go without food for an extended period of time, yes, your body will eventually start literally eating it's own fat because it's so malnourished, but before that, your body will go into starvation mode. This is the period of time where you actually gain weight. Your body doesn't know when you are going to get the correct nutrition and so it holds onto all of your fat. You need fat to regulate body temperature, maintain energy, produce important hormones and a lot of other stuff.