When God Says, What If? How Your Purpose Will Impact The World

Chapter 5 - When Mosquitos bring their friends and cousins too

Ok – mosquitos are annoying for sure. Their stings hurt, and itch for quite some time. If we scratch too much they can even bleed, and if you are anything like my daughter was when she was young, you end up with scars on your legs. She apparently is one of those really tasty skinned people that draw the mosquitos with gusto.

But sometimes the mosquitos don't just come alone - instead, they come in droves. They have their full family with them, sisters, brothers, and cousins too. Ok – now maybe we aren't so prepared. Maybe that bug-spray and fly swatter look kind of like you are facing an army with a baseball bat. What now?

At times, life feels so hard that we don't even know if we can handle it. There are absolutely horrible things that human beings face every day, and in these great challenges, we can easily lose our way. These are the times where our ability to even walk forward is tested. These are the times that we must fully surrender to God and accept his strength when we have none of our own to rely on.

As I mentioned in a previous chapter I lost my Mother last year. Actually, it is less than four months ago as I sit here writing. I am still raw and it is hard. I have learned to rely on God's mercy and grace to continue forward, as we all must do. But recently I was challenged with what felt like another crushing blow. My husband suffered from a complete emotional breakdown. It was the result of evil coming at our family from many different directions. People had lied about my husband and his company, and without notice, we found ourselves without income and somehow trying to understand how anyone could do to another human being, what was done to us. There were lawyers involved and major stress and it was probably a coin toss as to which of us would crack first. In this case it was him, but in all honesty, it could very easily have been me.

Yet there we were. We had major money challenges when this contract was ended without warning and my salary was not sufficient. I was trying somehow to deal with the greatest loss of my life, and at the same time, life had crushed my husband in a way that he became for a time unrecognizable to me. Have you ever been there? Where you have one bad thing after another, and when you think you really can't handle anything else, it's like the final blow and you are down. You see yourself falling as if in slow motion, and it feels like at that moment, life has won – it got the better of you – it's over.

I humbly share with you one of my journal entries while I felt like my world was crumbling. It reads:

How do I continue to believe when it is dark? No matter how much I keep walking it just continues to get darker and darker with no sign of light at all. I feel scared and desperate yet I know those feelings are the real captors. I feel like running, but where do I go? It would be dark there too.

I have no one to turn to now. My Mom is gone, and Ed needs my strength... Strength I am not sure that I have. I'm frightened yet know it is a useless place to rest. I keep walking.

I ask for guidance and love and support, yet feel none. I ask for answers yet the darkness descends heavier. I ask for a miracle, I hope, I cry out. The silence is deafening. Where are you, God? Where are the grace and mercy and love I desperately need to feel? Where is the touch of your favor that has the possibility to turn it all around?

I know you are there yet you remain silent. I wait and watch for the answers to appear. My heart aches in this pain that feels well beyond what I can handle. Yet I sit in it without another choice until your grace falls upon me.

I ask for your strength as mine is fully depleted. I ask for a blessing if only for my three children who you alone entrusted to me. I ask for strength to keep going.

I know your plan for my life is for good. I know you have a hedge of protection around my family and me. I know that no weapon formed against us will ever prosper. I know we must continue to believe and trust and know you are there. So we will. We trust your will over ours. I am raw and it hurts. The pain feels physical and extends to my core, but I bow down in the knowledge that you are still on your throne.