Talk dirty [Zayn Malik]

What's love?

BUT FIRST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 4K READS GUYS HOLY SHIIII

-

7 days.

It's been one week since I've spoken to Zayn. One week since that last phone call where he completely broke my heart.

How could he say that? How could he say it was my fault I was abused? I worked so hard in the past year to make myself aware that it wasn't my fault and Jc was the only one to blame. Then the second I open my heart to someone new, they shatter it once again.

I'm so done with love. I don't think I even believe in love anymore. What is it? Trust? Can we really trust anyone completely? We're not mind readers, what if that guy you've been seeing has been planning your murder since he saw you through the window. Is it desire? Do you love someone if you desire to be with them and hear their voice? Or is that just being desperate and clingy? 

I've decided love is all just an illusion to make us think life is worth living, because without it. What is life? Just getting through day by day, barely keeping a dry eye before you sleep. I don't even know how I feel anymore. 

I'm not myself. I haven't been since the day Zayn came out with that bullshit sentence 'Hey Carly, did you kiss Jc?' That hit me like a train. Why would I ever even kiss him again? 

I've just been a bubble since, not speaking to anyone. I've had several missed calls from Megan, and a couple from Niall since we became friends just before the road trip. I've also deleted a mass amount of text messages from everyone else, my Dad's letting me off rent for a couple months and he's the only one who knows what's going one. Because I broke down when he came to collect the rent for this month.

I called Richard and told him I've been hit with an illness so I haven't even been to work. Which wasn't a lie, I was suffering from heart break.

I didn't think it could ever be this hard, but I guess the ones closest to you hurt you the most, and they don't even have to lay a finger on you to do it.

I've made myself countless hot chocolate's, but ended up throwing them down the sink because I decided I didn't want them after I decorated with whipped cream and marshmallows. I think it was yesterday when I weighed myself and found out I've lost about ten lbs, maybe more. 

I've started to worry about myself but I can't do anything about it. No matter how much I want to, I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and text someone, or go to the doctors and ask for help. I've given up on seeking help.

I thought about killing myself. I decided that if I was going to, I would go to my Dad's, find some of the pills he takes and just down the lot of them. I would just take as many as I could find and hope no one would find me until it was over. 

I was on my way to his to do exactly that when I passed a street performance, it was a young boy playing guitar and singing this fast paced song and this older guy had joined in, dancing next to him. Together, they'd attracted a huge audience and everyone watching them was smiling. It reminded me that that's what I need to do, once I get a smile back on my face I need to make other people smile. I know the only way to do that is to become a dancer, and I can't do that if I'm dead.

So on the seventh day, today, I decided to go to Megan's. I needed someone to talk to and make me happy again, she managed to do that after my first fail at love, so maybe she can do it again.

I knocked on the door at around midday and she took awhile to open it, but when she did, she pulled me in to a long and tight hug. I realised, that if love is real, this is the only person I will ever truly love. She's the only one who will be there for me until the end and I now know how much she means to me. She's a better sister to me than my biological ones.