ℂ𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕤 ℂ𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕟 {𝕂𝕃𝔸ℕℂ𝔼}

Love

oof, you kids aren't ready for this

Dear Keith,

Here's what I don't understand: Why people portray love in such a rose-gold tinted light instead of what it really is.

It gives suckers like me false expectations.

Jason and I are a thing now. Yet all I can say is that love isn't all people make it out to be. Even you taught me that.

Love isn't black and white. It's messy and malice and hurtful. Love brings people closer but tears them apart at the same time. You may love someone with all your heart now but eventually, that love will fade away into nothing. You will feel nothing but lukewarmness for that person.

Or maybe you're a dumb fuck like I am and are destined to love one person so much that it nearly destroys you.

But what is love really?

A chemical reaction in the brain?

Something that's pure and real or something that only exists to tell us to reproduce?

Or maybe even a way to manipulate people into having their body?

And the answer I came up with is that it's all of the above.

It's lust, it's malice, it's horrible, it's nothing but an instinct that dates back to centuries ago to tell us to fuck another to reproduce, it's a device to manipulate and use people.

But at least it's real.

No matter how fucked up and messy it gets, it's real. In one way or another, it's real.

I don't get what the hype around sex is either.

It's not that special, it's not magic or amazing. It's just painful and messy and sweaty. Afterward, everything just seems really awkward. Even during it's awkward. Sex isn't as fun as everyone made it seem, a lot like love I guess. It's over so soon, too with little words spoken amongst partners. Most of the time you just fall asleep afterward. It doesn't seem that desirable but Jason was so insistent that we rush into it... 

Was... Wait, Sorry... is your current boyfriend like that?

Is that just how relationships work?

Because, if so, I pity everyone who will ever and has ever been in a relationship. It seems like a terrible thing. Most of them end in horrible ways, too.

If I had you, I'd treat you differently to the way Jason treats me.

I'd hold your hand almost all the time and cuddle you at least once every hour. I wouldn't force you to do anything you didn't want to. I'd notice when your hesitant to do something and I'd stop asking you to do it.

Jason didn't.

It doesn't matter though.

All that this is, is a bunch of what ifs. It doesn't hold any weight. 

You're not mine and I'm not yours.

You and I both belong to someone else.

You know, the more I think about it the more I realize the whole reason I kissed Jason in the first place was that I felt like I owed him something. He was the only person who stayed with me. The last one I had left. I felt like he deserved compensation since I'm obviously a pain for people to deal with. I mean, you said you'd always be with me, didn't you? Look where that got us...

When you first got with him, I cried almost every day. You told me about it in person yet we were in the darkness of my room, remember? You didn't realize I was crying even though I was a foot away from you because I was smothering myself with the pillow.

That's why I changed, Keith. I changed because it hurt me so much to see you with somebody else. I got all cagey because you didn't treat me any differently. Obviously, you only ever saw me as a friend.

I'm okay with that.

At least, I used to be.

This period of my life is so fucking confusing. I felt like such a bad person because I was crying over you being happy with someone who wasn't me. I don't know whether I should be happy because I'm your friend and I care about you or cry because that's all I'll ever be...

Lance McClain...

Just Keith Kogane's friend.

Nothing more.

Then again, I'm not even that anymore, am I?

You got tired of my bullshit pretty quickly, didn't you? You knew I was hurting but when you asked me I kept avoiding it so you left me behind because "If I'm not gonna help myself I should stop sulking about it".

Of course, I remember your exact words.

I remember everything about you I wish I didn't even know in the first place.

And that fucking sucks, because no matter how many times Jason persuades me to have sex with him, all I can think about is you.

It's so stupid, but then again it's me so am I really that surprised?

No.

The answer's no.

Hurting badly,

Lance