Collection of My Mini Works

Words He Won't Admit

From my upcoming story: Text Me > Chapter: "Inside My Head"

I'm caught between two lines, and I don't know where I stand. I don't get what I feel inside, but I'm not the type to realize it anyway. When I look at the emotion, it confuses me. I can't explain it, but it’s such a beauty, it leaves me speechless. The more of her I see, the more I want to keep. Her voice is like a melody that won't leave my mind. Her laugh is just the song that I desire to sing, despite that I am not gifted in that form of art. The door that contains her laugh is her smile. Such a way it displays absolute perfection. She won't believe me when I tell her, but I don't mind sometimes. Only because that means I can remind her once more. The way her eyes widen, the way she lowers her head and covers her face to hide her blushing cheeks keeps my heart at race. She always reminds me what she loves about me. She always tells me to smile, laugh, or just talk. It’s weird for me, but I do it anyway. I find her to be adorable. It’s awkward for me to admit it; to realize how feminine it is when I think this way. But I can't help it.

I noticed a while ago that I was always trying so hard to keep her happy. I didn't understand my reasoning. She's just a girl. Yes, one that I've developed certain feelings for, but what makes her so different? What gives her the right to steal my attention?

It’s no lie I'm sexually attracted to her, even if it’s just a bit. I close my eyes and see me holding her body. My hands in all the places they desire. Unclothed, limbs spread. Oh such things I can do that I know would satisfy her, and let her see how badly I want this "us" to work. But she isn't ready. She's protective of herself. Probably because she's been hurt before, and is afraid of being hurt again. I’m impatient, but I know I can try a slow the blood the rushes downward and show her the love she needs in a more innocent way.

I hope she isn't lying when she tells me she doesn't mind that I speak to her in that way, though. We'd spend a couple hours or so telling each other our sinful thoughts. Sometimes she's distant. I begin to doubt that I'd ever be able to have her between my legs, and it bothers me. She speaks as if she's so experienced, though. But God knows she's not. Sometimes it gets to me, but other times it leaves me to desire her more. It leaves me to think that I can be her first; I can take away the only thing she has left of her childhood for my selfish reasons. For my personal pleasure...

I'm so confused when it comes to her. I know it depresses her when we don't speak, but sometimes I don't have what it takes to talk to her. I'm either too distracted by my surroundings, or I can't help but think too much about "us". 'Should I do it? Should I be with her?' I never know what I'm getting into when I ask a girl out. I know I can be a selfish bastard, or a complete asshole unintentionally and when I want to be. But I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to be that jerk I was with most of my exes... not this time. I want her to be mine. I want this one to last, even just awhile longer then what I'm used too.

I miss her. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about her longer than I should. I catch myself wanting to tell her that I love her, but I know she won't like that. She'd probably never speak to me again. She told me how she doesn't like to throw the word 'love' around. She told me how she knows it wouldn't have any meaning if she were to say those words now. And I agree. I probably won't ever admit it out loud. But she's showing me the differences between a simple crush, and a lover. The difference between real lust and real love. Who's to say one day I might wake up and realize that I really am in love? Who's to say one day we'll be lost in an embrace so tight, we'll end up with our faces pressed against each other’s and whispering how in love we are as our lips make love of their own...

Ha. Now I know I'm over thinking this. I probably won't make it to any point, beyond what is happening right now, with her. I know I'm a fool for thinking in such ways about one girl. But it just feels so right, sometimes.

She says she understands me, she says she cares about me. She doesn't force me to do anything, she seems so open minded. She has a personality that's hard to hate. She says she loves practically everything about me, and it’s hard for me to understand why... but I believe her. Maybe it’s because I feel the same way, maybe it’s because I'm an idiot... What does it matter? I just want her happy, I want her to be mine. I want to wrap my arms around her and kiss her cheek just to see her smile. I want to let her in my world, I want to show and tell her everything. But I don't want to scare her away. I just don't want to lose her.

She always says she couldn't care less about where I came from, just as long as I'm here with her now. She doesn't ask a lot of questions about my past. She doesn't get upset when I say I don't want to tell her something because it's personal. She smiles and says she understands and that it's okay. I like that. It’s amazing just the way she is. Sometimes it’s hard to believe because it feels too good to be true.

I don't deserve her. I admitted it to her too. She told me she didn't care, because she likes me a lot. I really don't understand her way of thinking, but I don't want her to go. I'm falling for her, and it kills me that she isn't mine... yet.