Ambivalent

11

Taehyung's POV

"This feels just like old times."

Jimin took another bite of his ice cream and nodded in agreement. "We just need to go to the mall and buy a bunch of shit now and it'll be like I never left."

"Well maybe just try stuff on," I said. "I can't afford to go on meaningless shopping sprees anymore. A teacher's salary isn't all that great."

Jimin smiled at me. "I'm still rich remember? Let's go spend my money. Let me buy you shit."

"I don't really feel like going on a shopping spree. Reminds me too much of when I was with... him."

Jimin nodded in understanding. "We can do something else then. Maybe we can go watch a movie or something. Whatever you feel like doing. As long as you spend time with me because I've missed you so much."

I smiled at him. "Okay. Anything sounds nice Minie."

Jimin took another bite of his ice cream and started biting on the cone. We kept on silently eating our ice cream for a while.

"So, how have you been Tae? Like I know we talked every now and then and we know about the major things that happened, but I want to know the details."

"Well, I've been good. Better than I ever have really. I don't hate myself the way I used to."

"Finally realized how awesome you are?" Jimin said with a small smile, but a serious tone.

"Getting there," I said softly. "I know I'm not useless like I used to think. And I know I deserve love. Glad I'm getting it. But I still struggle sometimes."

"That's okay Tae. No rush. I'm proud of you for whatever progress you have made."

I smiled at him. "Thank you Jimin." He smiled back.

"How are things with Jungkook?"

I immediately felt my smile automatically grow wider. "Jungkook is so great. He takes care of me and he spoils me so much. I love him so much. He makes me really happy."

Jimin looked at me with a genuine smile, easing my light worries that he'd be hurt by my words since I knew he liked me. "That's so good Tae. I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you're with someone who realizes what he has and appreciates it."

"He's so good at being there for me. He's the reason I made it through college. He helped me study all the time, even though he was working already. He would get out of work and be there with me while I studied. Sometimes we'd do homework and he'd grade things at the same time and then when we'd be done we'd go get dinner together."

Jimin had a smile on his face as I talked, and he listened intently.

"He didn't even pressure me for us to do anything. He waited until I wanted to be with him. Which took a while because I was still hung up on... him." Somehow I still couldn't bring myself to say his name. I took a breath before I continued. "He's just so patient and sweet. I love him so much."

I finished up my ice cream and wiped my fingers on a napkin.

"How about work? How's that going?"

I thought about it for a while. "Well, it's both good and bad."

"How so?" Jimin asked, tilting his head to the side as he looked at me.

"Well there's these two teachers that seem to really dislike me. I never even did anything to them, but they're just always... staring and whispering things and telling me shit and I don't even know what's going on or if I should be worried or if I should just ignore them. It's just so annoying and sometimes it makes me feel shitty because I was already getting used to people being nice to me and then these two assholes come along. And then I have some students in my first class who seem to have it out for me and I don't even know how to deal with them because they're kids and how do I tell them to shut the fuck up and stop talking while I teach? Like I don't even know if they'll even listen. And it's just the first week and maybe I'm just being dramatic. Also, it's just been a week so how the hell do I already have people who don't like me?"

I finally stopped rambling and found myself holding a crumpled up napkin on my hands. I let go of it and took a deep breath to calm me down.

"But also I've made some friends and I like most of my students and I like teaching. It's not all bad. Mostly good. I just wanted to complain about the bad parts."

Jimin reached out to hold my hand that was restlessly tapping on the table.

"It's okay Tae. Let it out. Tell me whatever you're feeling."

I smiled gratefully at him and squeezed his hand. "It's just a bit overwhelming. Like I've wanted this for so long and now that I finally have it, I'm afraid that I'm going to hate it and that it's going to suck, and that it's all going to have been a waste of my time and of Yoongi's money. I'm afraid that I'm going to disappoint Namjoon because he got me this job and I'm supposed to love it because it's such a good school, but I'm going to completely suck at it and hate it and I'm going to get fired or I'm going to quit. I just feel so many worries and it's just the first week and I don't know why I'm being like this and not giving it a chance, but it's hard to not worry."

Jimin stoked my hand with his other one, sandwiching it with his.

"Also, I know that it's not that bad. Like I really like my friends. I know that it's going well. A few bumps in the road are nothing. I guess when I let myself think about it too much the worries grow to heights bigger than they should ever be."

Jimin nodded understandingly. "That's okay Tae. It's okay to worry. Just know that you're going to be okay. And don't worry about disappointing anyone. Namjoon and Yoongi adore you. They're proud of you no matter what. Either way there's a lot of time ahead of you where things can change. As for those hateful bitches, it's okay. There will always be people that try to fuck shit up, but we can't let them bother us too much."

I nodded and gave him a smile. "Thanks for listening Minie."

"Thanks for sharing with me Tae."

I leant over to hug him. "You're the bestest friend ever Minie."

"You too Taetae."

We kept hugging and pulled away with smiles.

"Let's go do something else," Jimin said as we stood up and cleaned up the area.

"Okay Minie."