Ambivalent

18

Taehyung's POV

One and a Half Years Ago

"Tae, what did Hoseok do to you?" Jungkook asked me again while I cried quietly.

"He hurt me really bad." The words were said, but I couldn't get myself to really feel them. I knew what the answer was, but I still missed him so much.

"Is Hoseok someone who's good for you?"

My eyes stayed fixed on my hands. I didn't feel capable of verbally agreeing with that, so I just gave him a shake of my head.

"Why isn't he good for you?"

I took a shaky breath. "Because he's manipulative and he says cruel things to me that I don't deserve to hear. That no one deserves to hear." I said the words even though I didn't really believe them. Of course I deserved those things. I wasn't a good person. I cheated on him and I was always bothering him.

I'd heard many times from Namjoon how I wasn't deserving of the things that Hoseok had done and said. Sometimes I felt sorry enough for myself that I started to believe him, but it was really hard to make the feelings stay.

Jungkook had already graduated and now he had moved to an apartment in the same complex as mine. He had just started his first year working and instead of focusing on teaching, he had made it his personal mission to help me get better.

A part of me was just glad to be able to spend time with him, but I quickly realized that the whole getting better process was painful.

He liked to ask me how I felt about things and then he'd tell me how I was wrong and why I was wrong. He encouraged me to repeat the things he'd tell me to myself in order to get them hardwired in my brain.

That's how I ended up every day reminding myself that I deserved better, although it usually only made me want to roll my eyes because it felt stupid to lie to myself.

In the time that had passed by, my feelings for Hoseok kept on changing. I went from deciding to cut all contact to desperately wanting to see him again. It made me feel even more confused.

Jungkook helped me some days and others he kind of just pissed me off. He was determined to make me accept the fact that I had been unfairly hurt by people and that I needed to acknowledge it so that I didn't let people treat me like that in the future.

To me it just felt like I was reopening old wounds and I hated it.

"Tae," Jungkook called out.

I turned to look at him and realized that he'd asked me something, but I'd been lost in my own thoughts. "Sorry what did you say?"

"I asked you if you were alright?"

"Oh," I paused to think about it. I was silently crying while missing the person who I was being told was bad for me. Probably not alright. "I'm fine."

"Tae, it's okay. I know that this is hard. I wish we could just put this past us but trust me, this will make things better in the long run.

I nodded, pretending like I agreed.

"Are you angry with me Tae?" Jungkook asked. I looked at him with surprise. "It's okay if you're angry with me too. It's okay to be angry in general."

I shook my head. "I'm not angry at anyone. Just myself."

Jungkook looked a little defeated and I almost felt bad because he'd been trying so hard, but I still hadn't really changed.

He sighed. "Okay. That's fine. One day you'll get it. You'll see. I know it. I believe in you Tae. You're so smart and one day you'll understand that you weren't the cause of this. You were just reacting to the shit others put you through. Maybe not soon, but I know you will."

I nodded slowly even though I thought it was all bullshit.

"Okay, I think we can stop for today."

I looked at him gratefully before wiping the remaining tears and sitting up. He always had me say a few things that I had learned or that I at least remembered him telling me.

I felt a little stupid, but I did it anyway.

"I didn't deserve the way I was treated by Hoseok, my parents, or Jimin. They hurt me, and I should be angry by the things they did. I shouldn't blame myself." I said it in an almost monotone voice.

"That's all true Tae," Jungkook said. "One day you'll actually believe those words. I know it."

I looked at him and gave him a weak smile. "I'm glad you believe in me because I really don't. I don't think this is even going anywhere."

"I know Tae. You can't change all of a sudden. But you will. Trust me."

I stood up from the bed with a groan. All of this talking really wore me out emotionally and now I was starving.

"I'm really proud of you either way Tae," Jungkook said as he stood up and walked with me out of my room. "You've already made progress and you don't even realize it."

"How so?" I asked, walking over to the fridge to get ice cream.

"You're willing to listen without objecting as much."

I almost laughed. "Well I do, just not out loud."

"You also have hope in yourself again. You've given college another chance and you've been working so hard. That's not nothing."

"I still doubt myself all the time," I said as I dug a spoon into the hard ice cream with all of my strength.

"We all do Tae."

I finally got some ice cream on the spoon and quickly put it in my mouth. I looked up at him and he smiled.

"It's okay if you don't see it now. You will when the changes are more obvious."

I got more ice cream and just kept on eating. I savored the sweet flavor that I loved so much.

"I'm glad you're letting me help you though."

I looked at him as I struggled to get more.

"It gives me an excuse to see you all the time," he said as he just kept on smiling at me.

I ate the cold ice cream in silence, glad that he didn't pressure me into saying anything. He knew I was tired.

I was glad we got to see each other too. Even happier that he never tried to kiss me or something like that because I really wasn't ready.

I got more ice cream and extended my arm so he could have some. He smiled back at me and ate it.

"Let's watch a movie before I have to start on my homework," I said. "You can stay and grade papers with me afterwards."

He nodded. "Sounds good."

We walked over to the couch, the box of ice cream in my hands.