Ambivalent

31

Taehyung's POV

Work wasn't so bad. I just had to deal with the stares that I got from the students and the teachers. Everyone knew what happened by now and it seemed to be the most interesting news and their favorite thing to gossip about.

Everyone seemed to have a side. I overheard teachers saying that I should have been fired. They blamed me since they trusted that Jinyoung wouldn't have done something like that. It made sense, since they'd known him longer and he had a good reputation.

I thought about my violent outburst for the first time. I had never punched someone or even attempted to hurt someone before. I was surprised that I wasn't frozen still and that I tried to defend myself. The behavior was very unlike me, and I wanted to tell them that they were wrong. I wouldn't do something like that either, so why was it my fault? Even though I had just been blaming myself not too long ago, it was different when it was someone else.

I guess the things Jungkook had taught me had stuck in a way and they made me want to defend myself. There was a voice in my head that was telling me that I needed to stop blaming myself so much. I kinda hated that voice.

I was surprised for those that actually spoke out and defended me. It felt weird to have practically strangers argue that I was the victim. They had so many opinions and it was all just based on rumors and assumptions.

It made me wonder how they'd feel if they knew what actually happened. It scared me to imagine any of them knowing the truth and then still saying that it was my fault. If they also agreed, wouldn't that make it true? As much as I wanted to blame myself, I didn't want to fully accept that it was my fault.

I guess it was complicated. I was complicated. I wanted to blame myself but for others not to blame me and I also wanted them to move on but I wanted to tell them the truth and I also wanted to feel like I had done nothing wrong, but also... This was just so confusing for me. I didn't know what I wanted. I guess that was always one of my biggest problems. I could never just pick one thing.

I just hoped that they got over it quickly. I could endure knowing that they were all talking about me, but it still sucked.

I was glad that Jinyoung avoided looking at me. It appeared that neither of us wanted anything to do with each other, and that was just perfect with me. I wasn't even sure of what I'd say. What was I supposed to say?

Hey you better fucking stay away from me or I will break your nose this time?

I'm sorry I'm such a slut but I swear I don't want to fuck you?

If you try something again I'm going to report you?

I wasn't even sure I'd even be able to say anything. This was all just such a mess. I felt so fucking shitty the whole fucking day just thinking about it.

My first class was hell, as expected. I couldn't even defend myself against Jennie and Sehun's words and I wasn't able to teach since all of my students kept on talking so loudly amongst each other about what happened.

I felt powerless and terrible, but I just sighed and looked at them as most of them spoke their mind. The loudest voice was Jennie's as she purposefully targeted me with her words and smiled as she did so. I found myself giving her back a smile that reflected how much I fucking hated her attitude. I wasn't going to risk saying anything that might actually get me fired this time, but I glared at her. Fuck that bitch.

Dahyun's voice was also there, trying to defend me, but it was overpowered. I still smiled at her gratefully for being the only light in the misery of that class period.