here's some stuff I've written about him. it's true. it's raw. its all mine. thought it was a safe place to share my art, and my heart. from the start of it all, to the finish.
____________
before
Him.
Warm.
Soft.
Strong.
In my head.
Chest is heavy.
Mind is anxious.
I miss him.
I knew something was going to give.
Took the time.
Made it real.
It was real.
He is real.
Could this be the start of something new?
Something good?
Guilt. Aching guilt.
I'm so relieved.
Yet feel so much remorse.
How do I begin?
Hopes were up too high.
Thought he'd be better.
They're all the same.
Love avoids me at all cost.
It's costs me so much.
_______________
the start
It's happening.
"Nothing to be scared about".
I'm terrified.
But I embody the most electrical vibrancy that has ever been.
Entirely spectacular.
Yet emphatically unexpected.
Currency is high!
Craving the warmth.
I sink down, valleys and hills, cool to the thought.
Nothing better than this moment.
A ticking timer.
Feels like I can't catch up.
I keep wasting these moments, not sure how I do this.
Time, time, time.
Can't feel anything now.
But it's everything I want.
Always at arms distance.
Never get that close, too scared to make the most.
Settle for the norm.
Wasting chances to live and love.
Lowly, I crave for us, highly, I fall every time.
You know times have changed when the times you cry of joy compete with the times you cry of despair.
The sheer emotion of joy consumes me.
Even when it gets bad, I know I'll always relapse into that sunny feeling again.
Can I close this without doubt?
What decision would make him alive?
If it ends, a whole world dies.
If it continues all my worlds will be choked by negligence's cold, pale hand.
Time is working against us.
Tease me gently, I break with the neglect.
Never the right circumstance for the real.
We dance, we put on a show, but how do you really feel?
Say what you mean. Show me, too.
Don't play with the delicate balance.
So easy to adore.
Why should you be surprised that I love you?
Very brave. Yet very hesitant to admit.
Scared to open up to something that is set to end. Fearful of a wrong transaction.
But, how, could this be wrong?
You are lovely. And, I know, I love you.
Love knows no fear.
So I jump.
I'm not alone.
It was you the whole time.
So quietly understood, divided and decided.
We disguise the real. No show.
But when your voice is all around, there's never a place to hide.
Almost a threat. A warning. A reprimand.
He is power.
A force to reckon with.
An ally to sing along with.
Never underestimate,
he's mine.
An uncontrollable hurricane.
But he's mine.
