january 27, 2019
i never promised I would be okay.
i never said I'd get over anything quickly. i made sure he knew how much I would suffer, no matter how it ended.
mom brushes it off. she compares it to the pain she experienced when a two year relationship ended for her in high school.
little does she know that I invested my whole self in this. it was cut short.
i had plans. i was planning to at the very least keep this going until August. hopefully it would have been longer than that.
but instead we let the smallest thing blow up.
i did.
and it went.
i get discouraged about it all.
i overreact. or at least people make me feel like I do.
im irrational. emotionally inclined.
i romanticize. i make things important in my mind. i take mental screenshots of moments that I enjoy or want to remember later.
it's frustrating because I feel like a freak. i know I'm not normal in the sense that I love art and poetry and writing and school.
but I actually feel abnormal in the emotional sense.
like there's something not quite right. something is out of tune.
and it makes even a four month relationship ending feel like the world is broken.
maybe it's health. anxiety. some other destructive disorder.
maybe I'm not processing right. dealing with it right.
or maybe I was just that in love with him.
he gave me nothing but memories.
he is nothing but memories.
purest golden sunshine in the park, cold dark nights in his car, wrapped up together in my bed.
i told him within the first few dates that I was in love with him.
he said the phrase "in love" means nothing to him. that it was a modern expression for a petty infatuation.
but that's not how I meant it at all.
i forgave him for everything
he did so much that hurt me that he never realized.
and that's how I loved.
i was in love with him in a sense that I overlooked his blatant flaws. and loved all the good parts of him as best I could. i loved his sense of humor. i loved his hugs and kisses. i loved his ability with kids. i loved his facade of confidence and popularity. i loved his patience. his perseverance. his vigor and energy. his honesty. his cuddliness. the giddy laugh he gets when he gets tired. his nerdy side. his mind. i loved all the things that make him...him.
but.
he always put me second to anything that he was doing. unless I somehow showed him how it hurt me. unless I ignored him or acted differently.
or said I was sad.
he always made time for me when I was crying. i don't know what made that different.
but he did his best to help me in those times.
he made me laugh in those times.
he comforted me. held me. brought me to more tears laughing.
i miss being able to do that.
he never let me go to bed crying.
except when it ended.
and that's how I knew something had changed.
i didn't lose a relationship.
that was already over a while before.
i lost a whole person.
a real one.
his lips are still branded only with my kiss.
now he walks past me without seeing anything.
there isn't even a friendship left.
there isn't anything left at all.
they say you never really get over your first love.
i'm ready to either fix it,
or move on.
i can't stand being in the center anymore.
