AFTER. (lxc version)

Chapter 38.

  🌑 

I am hot, too hot. I try to pull the covers off of me, but they won't budge. When my eyes open, the night before comes flooding into my mind. Lauren screaming at me in the yard, the scotch on her breath, the broken glass in the kitchen, Lauren kissing me, Lauren moaning as I touched her, her wet boxers. I try to lift up but she is too heavy. I am surprised by her head laying across my chest and the way her arm is wrapped around my waist, her body cloaking mine. She must have moved this way in her sleep. I do admit, I don't want to leave this bed, leave Lauren, but I have to. I have to get back to my room, Matthew is there. Matthew. Matthew. I gently push Lauren off by her shoulder, rolling her onto her back. I silently pray that she is a heavy sleeper, she rolls onto her stomach and groans but doesn't wake.

I hurry to my feet and grab my scattered clothes off of the floor. Being the coward that I am , I want to be out of here by the time she wakes. I don't think she will mind though, at least she won't have to invest her energy into hurting me on purpose so I will leave on my own. This way is better for both of us, regardless of the way we laughed together last night, nothing is the same in the light of day. Lauren will remember how we got along pretty well last night and she will feel the need to be extra hateful to make up for it. It is what she does., and I will not be around this time.

I will be where I belong, away from her. For a second last night, the thought crossed my mind that maybe the night would change Lauren's mind, make her want to have more with me, but I know better by now. I fold her t-shirt neatly onto the dresser and zip my skirt, my shirt is wrinkled from laying on the floor last night, but that is the least of my worries at the moment. I slip my feet into my shoes and grab ahold of the door handle.

One more look back won't hurt, I convince myself and look back to a sleeping Lauren. Her messy hair is sprawled onto the pillow, and her arm is now draped over the side of the bed. She looks so peaceful, so beautiful despite the pieces of metal in her face.

I turn back around and turn the door handle.

"Camz?" My heart drops. I slowly turn back around to her, expecting to see her planet green eyes staring back at me. Instead, they are closed, a frown is set on her face, but she is still asleep. I can't decide if I am relieved that she is asleep or somber that she called out my name in her sleep. I walk out of the room and gently close the door behind me. I have no idea how to get out of this house, I walk straight down the hall and I am relieved to find the stairs easily. I pad down the stairs and nearly run into Ally. My pulse quickens as I try to think of something to say. Her eyes scan my face and she stays silent, waiting for an explanation I assume.

"Ally.. I.." I have no idea what to say.

"Are you okay?" She asks with concern.

"Yea, I am fine. I know you must think.."

"I don't think anything, I really do appreciate you coming. I know you don't like Lauren and it means a lot to me that you would come here to help get her in control" Ally tells me.

Oh. She is so nice, too nice. I almost want her to tell me how disgusted she is that I stayed the night with Lauren, that I left my boyfriend alone in my room all night after I took his car and ran to Lauren's rescue, just so I feel as bad as I should.

"So are you and Lauren friends again?" She asks and I shrug.

"I have no idea what we are. I have no idea what I am doing. She just.. she" I break into sobs. Ally wraps her arms around me in a warm and comforting hug.

"It's okay, I know she can be so terrible" Ally says softly. Wait.. she must think that I am crying because Lauren did something terrible to me. She would probably never assume that I am crying because of my feelings for Lauren.

"It's not that Ally.." I sob. I need to get out of here before I ruin Ally's good opinion of me and before Lauren wakes up.

"I have to go, Matthew is waiting" I say and Ally gives me a sympathetic smile before saying goodbye. I get into Matthew's car and drive back to my dorm as fast as I can. I cry most of the way there, how will I explain this all to Matthew? I know I have to, I can't lie to him. I just can't imagine how much this will hurt him. I am a terrible person for doing this to him, why couldn't I just stay away from Lauren?

I have calmed myself as much as I can before I pull into the parking lot. I walk as slow as I can to my room, I don't know how I am going to face Matthew. When I open the door, Matthew is laying back on my small bed staring at the ceiling. He jumps up when I say his name.

"Jesus Mila! Where have you been all night? I've been calling you non stop!" She shouts. This is the first time Matthew has ever actually raised his voice at me. We have bickered before but he hasn't ever yelled at me.

"I am so sorry Matthew, I went to Ally's house because Lauren was drunk and she was breaking things, and the time just got lost I guess and by the time we cleaned up, it was so late and my phone was dead" I lie. I can't believe I am lying straight to his face, all the times he has been here for me and here I am lying to him. I know I should tell him but I can't imagine hurting him.

"Lauren was breaking stuff? Are you okay? Why did you stay there if she was being violent?" I feel like he is asking me a thousand questions at once.

"She wasn't being violent, she was just drunk, she wouldn't hurt me" I say and cover my mouth, desperately trying to push the words back in.

"What do you mean she wouldn't hurt you? You don't even know her Mila." He snaps and walks towards me.

"I am just saying that she wouldn't hurt me psychically, I know her well enough to know that. I was just trying to help Ally" I say. Lauren would hurt me emotionally, she already has and I am sure she will try again. It's ironic that I am defending her right now and she isn't here.

"I thought you were going to stop hanging around those type of people? Didn't you promise me and your mom that you would? Camila, they aren't good people for you to be around. You've started drinking and staying out all night and you left me here all night. I don't know why you even had me come here if you were just going to leave" He sits down on the bed and rests his head on his hands.

"They aren't bad people, you don't know them. When did you become so judgmental?" I ask him. I should be begging for him to forgive me for staying out all night but I am irritated by the way he is talking about my friends. Mostly Lauren, my subconscious reminds me and I want to slap him.

"I am not judgmental but you would have never hung out with those gothic people before"

"They aren't gothic Matthew, they are themselves. They don't care to be like us, that doesn't make them any different from us" I say. I am as surprised by my words as Matthew is.

"Well, I don't like you hanging out with them, they are changing you. You aren't the same Camila that I fell in love with" his voice isn't malicious at all, just sad.

"Well Matthew.." I begin and the door flies open. My eyes follow Matthew's to an angry Lauren storming into the room.   

  ☀

-

i didn't go to school yesterday and today so why not just update