Scraps & Fragments

Thoughts

Just a bunch of stuff I've needed to get off my chest lately. I wrote all of this over the past two days. You don't have to read any of this if you don't want to.

. . .

I tend to wear headphones when I'm sad because it helps to distract from the pain I'm feeling and I don't like to hear myself cry.

. . .

It's 3:35 A.M. and the only thought that keeps running through my head is "Please don't leave me."
I'm worried that I'm actually overthinking everything and that they're not actually leaving me, I just think they are because I never know that they do stuff without me until they tell me and then I feel left out but then I also feel selfish for feeling left out because they don't need to invite me to do stuff with them, it's their choice and I don't even know why they do it anyways so who am I to judge and think that it's just because they don't want to be around me anymore? I have abandonment issues probably and I'm worried that everyone will leave me or leave me because of something I did and hate me. I'm afraid they'll ignore me and I'll have no one to sit with at lunch and everyone will whisper behind my back about how awful and terrible and weird and awkward I am. I want to know what's actually going on but I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid they'll be mad at me or think I'm being selfish or something like that.

. . .

"Do you hate me?"

"Why would you say that? Of course not!"

"No, really. Do you hate me? Are you annoyed with how clingy I am? Do you sometimes wish I would leave you alone and stop talking to you and disappear?
Do you hate that all I do is give advice instead of doing something about it?
Do you hate that I don't try to change when I'm upset about what I'm doing wrong?
Do you hate me?
Because I do."

. . .

"Do you wish I did more to help you with what you're going through and not complain so much about my own problems? Do you wish I would spend more time trying to fix you and your life? Because I can't. I can't fix you, and I can't change your life, and I wish you would understand that. All I can do is be there for you. I can give you advice, but I can't make decisions for you, nor can I change what you're going through. I can only be there for you as a shoulder to lean on and a friend to walk beside. I can't fix you. You're the only person who can take steps to making yourself better, I can't do that for you. I'm sorry, and I wish I could do more for you, but it's not within my rights to make those choices for you."

. . .

Why do I feel so sick
So lost
And so empty?
I feel like, no, I know that all I do is complain, and I don't try to fix it, so I don't think it's fair to make everyone listen to my problems when I don't even try to begin to fix them. I feel guilty because I should be talking to real people about my problems, not ranting about them to people who I don't even know and can't exactly do very much to help me other than comfort me and say kind things to me.
I especially feel guilty because I feel like I'm just writing to get attention, not writing to help myself or because I enjoy doing it. I feel like I'm only writing how bad I'm feeling and posting it so that I can have people tell me that I am loved and to get praise for others for how I write.
People tell me, "you're so brave for sharing what you're going through!"
No, I'm not.
I'm not brave, I just like to share my feelings and thoughts with others even though I know nobody cares and so many people have it worse than me and I don't deserve to feel this way.
I don't know why I keep sharing my thoughts and feelings with other people when I just keep repeating myself and obviously everyone knows my problems by now, so why do I keep sharing them? I don't need to, I shouldn't need to, and I'm probably just annoying people.