The Tigress, The Witch, and The Broken One

Day 35: Allowance

January 5, 2019


It's a little after midnight, things happened yesterday. I woke up late around noon with the weather being nothing but cold rain. The Witch contacted me rather late, but it was more like delivering a message from the Dragoness' sister, asking me for money. She never saw me as important or anything, so why come up and ask me? Against my character, I chose to oblige as a means to visit  the Witch. I was near the park only to get a message saying that she wasn't home. I had to walk back through the freezing rain and chilling air. It would of been nice if she told me that ahead of time. Now she's making jokes about her giving herself to strange men and having their multiple children. I was slightly relieved that it was a joke, but again, it's been getting to me lately and I don't know why. I don't know why I chose now to take idiotic jokes as something serious. I'll have to try and change that. 


Upon Discord, I was having fun until the admin and member decided to become hostile in a way. The admin was in a foul mood and challenged the member to a match. I jokingly said that I rather them not, but received an aggressive and cold response. They reminded me of the times where the Tigress would make jokes that sounded far beyond serious and even at times lash out at me for no reason when things are out of my control. All because of the Reaper gets special treatment. The member should of dropped it, but he continued. On top of that, he made snide remarks about all members will make the admin feel better once again. That's not how I believe that works. We're all human and it takes time for our breaking points to fade. Our anger, anxiety, he couldn't comprehend it. I don't want her to apologize to me. I do, but at the same time I don't. I know if I share my past with her, it may make her feel guilty. I want to avoid it at all costs. 

There was one member that I sensed his concern for me. I've told him about my current issues, maybe I can tell him about this. How that no matter what I do or where I go, I can only react to certain things and just be there. Almost as if I was meant to be a hollow shell. My heart feels like it's withering and I have the urge to cry. I can't, or rather, I just don't want to. The more I cry, the more I tell the source about my problems, nothings changed and it never will change. It'll only change for week if not less. No one, not even my family knows what I'm thinking. Only a certain few does. Then again, they're not that advising nor encouraging. One day I'll do everything on my own and it's guaranteed that the'll pay attention to me. I know it'll be for the wrong reasons like always. At the end of the day I tell myself that I have no one but myself. No one will sit down me just to listen. My head is aching and so is my heart.