If you're here to read a oneshot, then I'm sorry. The only reason why I'm even doing this, is to vent. Im sorry
Pathetic, worthless, fat, dumbass, weak, ect. These are words that are constantly thrown at me by my mind. Every day, I have bad thoughts. Horrible thoughts. Thoughts of how I could end all my pain and suffering by just ending my life. Will I ever act upon these thoughts? No. Why? Im simply too scared. Pathetic no? Not scared of what is to come after, no, the chance of surviving the attempt is what scares me. Besides, I don't feel alive anymore. Im always tired, run down, cold, the feeling of loneliness always follows me. I feel numb. Not mentally/emotionally, or physically, but to my emotions. I often have thoughts as to why Im still alive. Whats the point? I have zero talent in anything, I do everything wrong. Im just an annoyance to everyone around me. Even if they dont think I am, I still feel as though I am one. There is nothing good about me. Im full of flaws. Even if there was just a tiny little thing about me that was good, all my flaws would just out weigh it. Im never good enough. "At least I tried" is now something of a constant. I try, and try, but never succede. I hate everything about myself so fucking much. You know what bothers me a lot? The saying, time heals all wounds, or something along the lines of that. Sure, maybe physical wounds. But mental/emotional wounds? No. That shit will stay with you for a long time. If not forever. Hell, I think instead of getting better, I think I'm getting worse. Im so sick of being told that Im strong. No. Im not. Would a strong person be easily damaged by words? Would a strong person cry themselves to sleep every night? Would a strong person have constant thoughts of ending all the pain and suffering? Ect. I wish, so much, that I could just be teleported into CoD Zombies. Why? Because its where my heroes are. Yea, I know, I guess its wierd to have fictional characters as your heroes. Is it wierd that when ever I feel lonely (which is 24/7) or I feel more depressed than usual. I will pretend that they are there with me. Is that pathetic? Maybe. But, I can't help it. I find them very comforting since I can relate to all of them on a very high, personal level. Im so sick of wishing for a better tomorrow, because I know that it's useless. So much has happend in my life over the past 4 or 5 years. I just could take all the bullying and harassment any more. For two fucking years I was bullied and harassed horribly to the point where I almost took my own life. What was the reason that made people feel the need to bully and harass me horribly you ask? All because I liked anime. Fucking, anime. The result of all of that was me feeling alienated from everyone around me. And I still do feel like that. During the second year, one of my brothers took his own life. This definitely did not help, ANYTHING. Oh yea, I was also harassed (and still am getting harassed and made fun of) for the fact that whenever I laugh, I snort, and that since I have speech problems, I sound fucking retarded. When I talked to one of my friends about my hatred for one of the people who harassed and bullied me to the point where I felt alienated from everyone else, made my social anxiety WAY worse, and made me almost take my own life. Im sadly a sensitive and emotional person, I take words and actions to heart. She said that I had to get over it, that I was holding a grudge. Now, she isn't a bad friend! But, that sentence just pissed me off. I think I deserve a fucking apology from that shit-head. He started that bullshit! Sorry, I just get really angery when talking about it. Im sorry, but, I just needed to rant a little bit. By the way, this isn't even all of it. So, here are some images that show how I feel.
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