A nothing...

chapter 5

I woke up around 8 in the morning. The sky was still a dark dreary lookin color. The fog was tho k and you could the faint dark outlines of the trees in the woods. Cole was still asleep, he is a very heavy sleeper. I stared at his handsome face smiling just a little. I looked away and the smile dropped. I ran my hand threw my hair and sighed biting on my lip. I decided I wanted some air so I quietly walked over to coles closet and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie which ingulfed me. Because of its size. I pulled my hair up into a bun and quietly padded out the bedroom door. I walked down stairs and out the back door. Cole lived out in the middle of the woods which made me happy because I'd rather be in a secluded area then around people....

I had my black and white converses on with the jogging pant legs rolled up so they wouldn't drag In the mud. I continued walking out threw the woods, not even knowing where I was going. Just walking,...wondering. The leaves were on the ground in oranges and brown, since it was.wet they didnt crunch under my weight. Which I liked, all i wanted was complete silence.

I continued walking until I got to a little clearing with a pond. It was absolutely beautiful, nature calms me, it's like the only thing that does. I walked over and sat against a rock not.really caring that my back side was getting wet. I just basked in the beauty. I sat and admired the surroundings. I've been here for about an hour now. All the sudden there was a big crack of thunder, I glanced up at the sky, not frightened really, just looking. A big bolt.of lightning shot across the sky cracking loudly. I smiled, the storms were like my mind, frenzied... and like my thoughts, scary...

I didnt move, the rain started to pour, and I was soaked in seconds. My hair now drooping down my back, and the clothes.sticking to my frame. I just leaned my head against the rock and closed.my eyes, feeling the rain splash on my face.

Then I heard yelling and heavy foot steps....now that frightened me. I turned to look behind.me in.a.crouches position. Glancing over the rock. I saw someone running through the woods, head looking in all directions. It was Cole, his face full of worry, his chest was rising and falling quickly. "JOSIE!!" He yelled through cupped hands. My eyes widened. He was....he was.looking for me?

I slowly stood up and waited until he saw me. He started at me and ran over
And ingulfed me in a hug. "Oh my gosh josie, what the hell?! I couldn't find you and you left your.phone in the bedroom, I was so worried!" He said holding my face. I shook his hands of my face.looking away. I was.confused, why would he come looking for me, why was he worried about me...I'm nothing special, not worth anything.

"Why did you.come looking for me, why were you worried?". I said looking at him confused. "Why wouldn't I look for you and be worried josie? You disappeared, I don't know what I'd do if you were gone."

Lies.....I thought, nobody cares...why would he...

I just walked around him and started walking back toward the direction I came. Head.down and hands in the hoodie pocket. I heard cole.come running after me. He went to say somthing but I cut him off.

"Quit lying. I know you don't really care about me. No has or ever will so just stop. Ok it will be easier for me. You know how many times people have said they cared or they'd be there and they just left me in the ditch.because.all I was was.and ear for them to talk to and when i needed help they left! Nobody really cares how the fuck I feel, and nobody has.or ever will like me. And you were probly just saying and doing all that crap last night to get into my pants and boast to people that you got the quiet freak. Fooled her. It's not gonna happen." Then I thought, shit, last night i let him kiss me.

Tears started falling.from my face. I clenched my eyes shut and put my clenched fists on my forehead. "Damnit!" I yelled. I'm so freaking stupid, for last night thinking that someone like Cole would ever like me.

I turned and ran back to the house and into the bedroom locking the door. Cole was beating on the door begging for me to let him in. I shook my head, gathered what little things I had and climbed out the window, jumping off the roof and walking down the dirt road toward my house. I wrapped my arms around my self with my head down. When I got home no one was there which was a relief to me, because it meant to possible questions.

I walked upstairs to the bathroom peeling off the soaking clothes. Not even daring looking at myself in the mirror. I jumped in the shower washing the mud and all off. When I got out I dried off and jot.dressed in my fleece pj's crawling in bed. It was 10 o'clock which meant I had about an hour and a half before I had to leave for the therapists. If.i didnt show up they'd call my parents and they'd be wondering why I didnt go like.im suppose to.

I woke up at a quarter after a 11. I got dressed in stretch pants a tank top and a black hoodie with guitars on the back.  My favorite. I put on my other black  converses and grabbed my bag and walked out the door locking it behind me. I started walking down the road, mud.squishing under my feet. When I walked into the office I had no idea some one was watching me.

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Hey guys.....been a while. Been really busy lately with work and homework.

Depression and anxiety and all that crap is staring back up again get worse.like it was before. I got a handle of it for a while but I'm slipping back again. Its.bad..

But anyways hope.yall are.doing good and have a good one