I was sitting in class, I always sit in the front row so that i can see the board because I have terrible eye sight. If I had glasses I'd sit in the back and pretend I wasn't even present.
I can feel the dampness of my palms, and as my hands shake and it's like I cant breath, I'm having another panic attack, but I don't like even the slightest bit of attention....so i sit.....and pretend everything is ok.......and try to catch even the smallest of breath.
All these people sitting around, they probly think I'm a freak, some weird ass kid....stupid.....ugly.....a nothing....these are the thoughts running through my mind.
My vision is blurry, I'm starting to cry..
.wait...I'm starting to cry!!. Oh my gosh what if someone see then everybody sees. I Try to hide my face with
with my hands as none suspiciously as possible (I think). Its gonna be my turn to read next....oh no..oh no..its my turn.
When I read my face goes red...its as if everybody is staring at me, its ok...just hurry up and finish the paragraph..my voice is very quiet, just like I like it.
When the bell rings I'm the last out of the class, my heart is racing and I speed walk as fast as I can to the bathroom. I go into a stall and sit on the toilet lid. I let out a soundless shaky breath, covering my mouth. That was just my second class....6 more to go...great.
I walk through the halls people slamming into me not even caring. My shoulder hurts slightly from when I was knocked into the lockers. On my way to my next class, i had my.head down as always, so as to not make eye contact, I cant stand to make eye, contact, it scares me. All the sudden I was on my but on the ground, I had a sharp pain on my forehead, I looked up and my eyes went wide. It was Cole. The only guy in my whole 16 year life that I had ever caught feelings for. We kinda just stared at each other.
He stuck his hand out to help me up. He was apologizing, while I just stared at his hand, i wanted to take his hand i had never touched a guys hand before, no guy had ever even got close to me before in that sense. But my anxiety was screaming NO. I shakily took his hand but heaved myself up so he wouldn't be able to feel the heavy 130lbs fat self of me when he tried to pull me up. I'm a junior and he's a senior. He's the most handsomest guy I've ever seen and, hes my brothers best friend, so therefore I know he's a nice guy. (Sorry it sounds so stupid) he knew my name, he opened his mouth and said "I'm so sorry josie, are you alright?" I just stared. My face red as a beet, my hands shaking, I was so nervous I couldn't say a word I just nod my head quickly, gave a very small smile said sorry.about a million times and put my head down and continued down the hall. My long brown curly pony tail swaying behind me. I tugged. The sleaves of my hoodie down even more as to conceal myself, make my self "invisible".
Cole has always been nice to me, and.....and I would love to be his girlfriend...to feel what it's like to have someone care for you that wasn't just your parents, I mean, you know. Know that there's someone that actually likes you thinks your something....but I'm me...and lest just face it, I'm a nothing, and unlovable creature, ugly.
All 16 years of my life no guy has ever said anything remotely nice to me, no hi, no your pretty, nothing. But its ok... im used to it.
I'll be honest, I get just a tad bit jealous when I see guys calling other girls pretty, and just simply talking to them....because I wish.....for just a moment...just a second...that could be me. Its pathetic I know.
The rest of the day went about the same as first, do my work, be constantly sick because of my anxiety, not talk at all except when I had to.
When i got home, I went straight to my bedroom. I got my DVD player my home work and my mama's family DVD and.sat and watched mama's family while I did my homework. Negative thoughts flying through my head as normal. I go to therapist but, I hate telling people about my problems because then I just.feel like a whining burden, which In turn makes me feel worse about myself. I just wanna crawl in a whole and disappear..
==================================
Hey guys...so, I do suffer from anxiety, depression, and low self esteem, so don't even start with that "don't make fun of mental illness" bullshit. Writing is like an outlit for me so don't ruin it...k?.....k
Anyways there are more s
Chapters to come, sorry if they sound stupid, I apologize...well....later
YOU ARE READING
A nothing...
Romanceit's about a young girl who has very low self esteem, depression, and anxiety, and her thoughts, and his she deals with life. she's an odd ball out and doesn't have but one friend. this book is mine.
