Infection

▪ Chapter Fourteen ▪

The gun dropped from my hand to the ground as I fell to my knees, emotionally drained. I was in shock, my heartbeat running wild as the adrenaline coursed through my veins. On the inside, my whole being was screaming, crying, praying that someone would come and comfort me. To hold the pieces of my shattered heart together. But all that showed of my grief were the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't believe what I had just done. 

The dreadful scene replayed itself in my mind over and over again, as if stuck on a continuous loop. I remembered everything. All of it was ingrained into my memory, haunting me. 

I remembered the way the gun rebounded, pushing me backwards. I remembered the way it felt in my hand, seeming much heavier under the burden of what I was about to do.  I remembered how the bullet fired out of the gun, how it hit its' mark. I remembered how it pierced his temple and how his limp body crumpled to the ground, dead. For good. 

 A glance at his slumped form had a sickening feeling of disgust and sadness coursing through me. Hot tears flooded down my face, unstoppable, as I took in his changed, decaying face. The hateful virus had transformed him, mutated him into something he wasn't. His once handsome face now looked greyer and older, wrinkled by the disease, and his usually bright eyes were pale and lifeless, staring unseeingly at the ceiling. His hair, that used to be soft and silky appeared dull and thinner as if it some had fallen out. 

I couldn't look at him any longer, but at the same time, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Away from the thing, the monster that he had become. Looking at him made me feel sick, nauseous, because of what he had turned into, and that it was me who had ended his - albeit undead - life. 

I thought that shooting the Infected man in the store was bad, but the amount of guilt from hurting, killing, someone that I knew and loved, was immense. Completely and utterly unfathomable. I knew that his dead, hungry eyes would haunt me, every day for the rest of my life, however long it may be. 

As I was eventually able to look away and bury my head in my hands, I understood that I would never see his beautiful smile again nor hear his charming voice. I'd never be able to run my fingers through his soft blonde locks again. I would never be able to look into his sparkling, cobalt blue eyes that lit up when he laughed. His laugh. I would never hear that delightful sound again. Oh, God!  I missed him so much! He was my best friend; one of the most important people in my life, and now he was gone. 

They were all gone.

I had no-one left. Nobody to rely on. It was just me. The responsibility of looking after a child thrust upon me, and although I wouldn't have it any other way, it was such a difficult task and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it for much longer, by myself. One slip up, one mistake, that was it. I had no-one to fall back on if I messed up; just once and it could all be over. 

A large part of me just wanted to run away or end it all. There was hardly anything left for me on this earth. For all I knew the rest of my family could be dead and I would never even know. There was no point in me even living anymore...

No! I couldn't do that. Lily was relying on me. There was no way she could make it on her own - she was seven! I would be completely betraying her and myself by taking such a cowardly route. She was still here and even if I was doubtful that I would ever see my family again, she was still my family and I couldn't leave her. 

Still, it doesn't change the fact that I had just lost one of the most important people in my life. Alec was dead, gone. 

Gone... 

Wow. As much as it hurt to truly acknowledge the fact that he had died, I knew I had to accept it eventually. I had been trying to deny it for months, cowardly hoping to never have to face the truth. By confessing it though, finally admitting it to myself, I felt a sense of peace. Perhaps there was a possibility that I could move on. Not for a while, definitely, but maybe there was a chance. 

I didn't know how long I had sat here, crying and mourning, but I knew I couldn't stay here much longer. I regretfully stood up, unwilling to leave even though there was nothing that I could do for him. I did my best to dry my tears, resulting in my sleeve becoming thoroughly drenched in the salty droplets. 

I was conflicted over what to do with his body. I wanted to lay him to rest, bury him, but I didn't think that I could handle it. I didn't feel able enough to carry him anywhere, let alone dig a 6ft grave. I decided that it wasn't a viable option, particularly as it would take hours and Lily would be bound to find out. I didn't want her seeing this. 

I ruefully settled for the next best thing I could think of, carefully stepping around the body and into my room. I solemnly picked up the discarded sheet he had used all those nights ago and returned, kneeling beside him. I delicately arranged his arms and hands so that they were clasped, resting on his chest and I gingerly shut his eyelids so that his cold, unseeing eyes would no longer be visible. 

I sighed mournfully. To some, it would seem as though he were sleeping peacefully, but sadly I knew better. I felt shame wash over me as I carefully draped the white sheet over his form. This was all I could do for him. I felt pathetic. He had given me so much and he deserved so much better than this. Tears once again rolled down my face as I looked upon the sheet covered body. 

"Goodbye, Alec," I whispered as a painful sob escaped my throat. A stabbing pain erupted in my chest as I said a final farewell, my whole heart throbbing with grief. 

I stepped into my room, one last time as I went to my dresser, picking up one of my favourite possessions - a picture of Alec and me. It had just been an ordinary day, but one of the happiest I supposed I would ever have now. I smiled as I stared at the picture sadly, at Alec grinning happily into the camera as I kissed his cheek, his hair falling adorably into his eyes as the sunlight streamed through the window behind us. 

I quickly took the picture out of the frame, delicately folding it and slipping it into my back pocket before eyeing the shiny, gold object sat next to the now empty frame. His watch. He would always wear it, proudly. It was a gift to him from me for one of his birthdays, an expensive brand that he liked, I never took much notice of it myself. Now though, I couldn't imagine not seeing it regularly. 

I picked it up and slid the cold metal around my wrist, tightening the clasp as far as it would go. It was a bit loose, seeing as my wrists were much smaller than his, but the heavy weight was a constant reminder of him, ensuring that I would always have something to remember him by. 

I sorrowfully left my room, taking one last glimpse at the familiar surroundings before walking down the stairs, not looking back, despite how much I wanted to. As I walked out the front door, I tried to compose myself so as to not alarm or frighten Lily. But as I got to the car, where she was obediently, yet impatiently waiting and I saw the spark of hope in her eyes, I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. All the emotion that I had kept bottled up, hidden away, for months came crashing to the surface. 

When she saw me falling apart, her eyes widened in fear and shock. She quickly jumped out the car and ran to me, desperate to see what was wrong. 

"I'm... so... sorry... Lily..." I cried out between sobs, hugging her tightly to me as she did her best to act brave, trying to comfort me when it should be the other way around, "They're... not... here..." I choked out. 

Soon enough her small cries joined mine as all her hope of seeing our family was taken away.

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This chapter was so hard to write! 😭 Ahhh, the emotion is so real!

Until next time...

~ Beth xx ~