Luigi's Stoopid Mansion

5. BACK Into the Mansion (A Tale of Boomanity and Chandelier Problems)

Five unfortunate minutes later, Luigi stood in E. Gadd's promised gallery, staring at a stone wall, eyes slack with boredom.
So I guess you can guess how the last five minutes played out.
In all reality, though, I'm painting this place too harshly. E. Gadd's gallery is actually a wonderfully magical looking place, with dirt floors and empty picture frames and crumbling columns that could have been smuggled out of Ancient Greece.
If I'm not doing a good job of selling it, maybe E. Gadd will do better.
"So, Loogy, welcome to my gallery! This is where I hang all my paintings... ghost paintings, that is! I used to have a famous ghost collection, but now it's only frames. What a crying shame!"
...You know that thing I just said? Nevermind.

E. Gadd: Look, NOBODY ever likes my gallery, okay?? It STILL doesn't look good, and Nintendo only redesigned it like five times!

Luigi: Sucks to be E. Gadd.

Author: WHOA, that was unauthorized.

ANYhoo...

"Why did you drag me here if there's NOTHING HERE?" Luigi wanted to know. "And furthermore, what on earth is a ghost painting?"
"Oh boy, you're in for a treat!" the professor said, rubbing his hands together. "Well then. Now I have to tell you... a HORRIFYING story..."
Luigi wasn't as concerned as you thought he'd be. "Is it as horrifying as the torture I've already been through?"
E. Gadd ignored that. (I swear, by the end of this, he's gonna deserve a medal for his phenomenal ignoring. We can all only wish to be like him.)
"Oh, no," E. Gadd went on. "This story, it's much worse. It'll squeeze the jelly from your eyes!"

Shrek: YES!! I KNEW there was gonna be Shrek in this story!

Luigi: SHRIEEEK!! *blasts Shrek with a bazooka*

Author: Well that got off the handle really fast.

E. Gadd crossed his arms. "Can I tell my story now PLEASE???"
Luigi stared at him. "Well who's stoppin ya?"
The professor took a deep breath. "Anyway. So when I was your age —
"Boring."
E. Gadd frowned and tried again. "When I was young, —
"You were young??" Luigi asked in disbelief.
E. Gadd turned to the ceiling. "This is scientist abuse!!"

Author: Okay, Luigi, I'm gonna need you to be quiet for a little bit and let the bozo talk. Yes, there's a good boy.

E. Gadd rubbed his chin as if he was having serious brain activity. "Now, where was I?"
"You were talking about the 1800's," Luigi supplied.
E. Gadd glared at him. "ANYway, when I was young I designed a machine to turn ghosts into paintings. I traveled the world in a private yacht collecting 'em. Oh, it was glamorous, I tell you! I even appeared on Oprah!"
Luigi stared. "This just seems so wrong."
"No, boy, you want to hear wrong? I'll tell you wrong. This is the horrifying part, by the way. So, the last ghost I caught was number 22, Boolossus. He's actually the reason I moved to Boo Woods, actually. I actually saw a documentary about him on tv and how he actually supposedly has a greater ectoplasmic volume than any Boo on earth — so much, actually, that he is the actual cause for sinking the Titanic."
Luigi blinked.
"He was irresistible to me, of course. So I moved to Boo Woods after some jerkish hoodlums with their babies destroyed my old lab with a volcanic eruption. I pursued ghosts here, and last week I finally caught the legendary Boolossus!"
Luigi frowned. "Wait a minute. You've been living here since you were twenty and you JUST caught Boolossus last week??"
"It's a life well spent, I'm telling you!" E. Gadd beamed.
Luigi stared at the audience. "I have lost hope in humanity."
"So anyway, I caught Boolossus and made plans for a wild dorm party," E. Gadd went on. "But wouldn't you know, I was just off the phone with the vodka place when I heard yodeling from my basement!"
"I'm having a hard time remembering where this was in the game," Luigi said concernedly.
"So I came to this very gallery — and POW! The entire place had been transformed into a circus for hoodlums! My portrait ghosts were partying like it was 1699, and they even blasted a hole in my wall with a catapult made from TOILET PAPER!! You have any idea how long it took to fix??"
"Wait a minute," Luigi said. "A catapult made of toilet paper?? To make that you'd have to have won a lifetime supply!!" He started breathing very rapidly. "I KNEW my lifetime supply was here!!"
E. Gadd ignored him. (Such a gift.) "So now my entire life is screwed because of ONE wild dorm party!! And it was all because of... King Boo and his coffee maker!" he cursed. "He rallied all the boos of Boo Woods and took revenge upon me. Then they made a giant, terrifying nuthouse and they all hid inside! And the worst part of all is... he took all my portrait ghosts with him and now my entire life's work is WASTED! RUINED! I have nothing to show for!! To be honest Luigi, if I told anybody else this stuff, they'd probably have me committed."
"Hah!" Luigi was scribbling on a notepad like a genius undercover cop. "Too bad! Because I bet you weren't counting on ME being anybody else!!"
E. Gadd crossed his arms. "Now sonny, we both know you ain't leaving this neck of the woods until the credits roll."
"Dang it," Luigi cursed.
E. Gadd poked him. "Hey! No cursing in a Mario game. Now why don't we get this adventure on the road??"
"What?? Why?"
"Because this is your adventure!! Didn't you ask for this??"
"I can't say I asked for this specifically, no."
"Player 2s can't be choosers. Now gear up and let's get on with the grueling."
"Grueling?? Now wait a nanosecond! I don't wanna go back in Mansion! There's bloodsucking monsters and yodeling ghosts in there, isn't there?? ISNT THERE???"
E. Gadd sighed. "Luigi, fun as this has been, I think the audience is getting sick of this procrastination. We need to get the stoopid adventure started. And there's no other way for you to find Mario!"
"Well... he's smart, let him save himself!" Luigi said. "I bet he can just grab them by the tails and fling them out the window, probably."
"Ghosts don't work like that, nice try. Only THIS can stop 'em," the professor replied, hitting the Poltergust.
"Well... fine! So why don't YOU do it?"
"Because I spent the last of my youthful strength catching Boolossus last week, and now I'm in need of a young foolish whippersnapper such as yourself."
"But I can't catch ghosts! I'm hungry!"
The professor crossed his arms... which is weird, because I think he's already done that like five times now. "Luigi, your cowardice is showing."
Luigi spun in a circle. "It is?? Where?!"
E. Gadd rolled his eyes. "Alright, time to go ghostbusting!" he said, shoving Luigi up the staircase. Luigi, in a sudden panic, dug in his heels and fought with him all the way to the door (don't know how that works, exactly).
"No!! I have to go to the bathroom!"
"There's toilets in the mansion, Loogy."
"I... I forgot my Game Boy!"
"It's in your pocket."
"...Mappy! I need Mappy!" Luigi cried.
"I'm right here," the voice came from his rear.
"Thanks a LOT, map," Luigi growled.
"Alright, here you are! Just get in there and bring me some nice ghost souvenirs," E. Gadd instructed, shoving him out the door.
"NOOO!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE STILL!! DONT LEAVE ME!!!" Luigi clung to the doorframe, causing the professor to get a crowbar and pry him off before slamming it shut and locking it.
A moment later he peeked out the window and waved. "Bye now! Have a nice time!"
Luigi stood up and stared in horror at the nuthouse like it had stolen all his spaghetti. "Sure!! Make ME go all by myself into a haunted nuthouse!! I'm just going to trip over a carpet and get eaten by some haunted staircase, ARENT I??"
"This was Nintendo's idea, not mine!" E. Gadd called through the window. Then he pulled the curtains closed and went back to his kitchen, where he started making a lovely cup of diesel tea with a side of barnacles. Then the clock clicked midnight.
"Oh! It's time for Mystery Science Theater!" And he turned on his tv.