Luigi's Stoopid Mansion

10. E. Gadd's Torture Machine (Plus, A Brief Frozen Musical)

Now guys, before we go on, I think I should probably apologize for the somewhat indecent themes going on here. I mean, I feel like Nintendo doesn't usually put this much poop in their games.
...But I'm NOT going to apologize, since I never promised I was going to be mature about this.
COMMENCE THE BOSS FIGHT!!

Luigi: Is this that 'playtime' you promised me a while back?

Author: Of course. Completely intentional.

Luigi*crosses arms*: Well I don't want to play with bouncy balls! ...I just want Kevin back!

Author: Too bad Luigi! You stay and play with the toys you're given like a good boy!

Mansion: Yeah, B O Y. This is playtime.

Author: ...

Mansion: Start your engines.

Author: Uh, Wrong kind of —

Mansion: YOU DARE CORRECT THE OH GREAT AND POWERFUL MANSION!?

Author: *cowers in the writing corner*

Anyway, Chauncey grabbed a random bucket and promptly started pitching diapers into the crib like it was the great pie war of '72. Whatever that is.

Chauncey: The great Poop War of —!

Author: Okay Nevermind!

"Aaaahahahaahhaa!! How am I going to explain these stains to the final boss?!" Luigi hollered, running around the bed like a dust mite. "And who keeps their own poop in a bucket, anyway??"
...
Since he was actually only two inches tall, the diaper bombs weighed more than he did, and he was sent flailing up in the air every few seconds as each one landed.
Man. Can you, like, imagine how terrible this would be if someone took this out of context.
"Shush up, Twilight Sparkle! I already told you if you make this hard I'll have to call backup!!"
Luigi stopped mid-run to frown. "No you didn't!"
He was promptly beheaded by a giant bouncy ball. (Not really. But it did wipe him out.)
With a wave of his very manly rattle, Chauncey sent another army of balls into the crib, which sloshed around like inflatable roast turkeys. Then another rain of rocking horses crashed into the mattress.
"KEVIN!! THEY'RE ALL KEVIN! THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD! EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE DEAD KEVINS!!" Luigi shrieked.

~Elsewhere~

Boolossus jerked up from the royal Keurig. "Did somebody just mention me??"
Gumboo looked up from polishing the royal coffee mugs(which looked like big, fat boos with handles), made a weird face and said, "Is your brain bilocating again?"
Boolossus frowned. "Oh. No, Nevermind. I was just listening in on the narrator again.
...And my name isn't even Kevin."
Then King Boo's voice thundered from the next room. "KEVIN!! WHERES MY ESPRESSO?!"
This sudden outburst caused Boolossus to jerk forward, get his stub caught in some unholy crevice of the coffee machine, and scream wildly in response while Gumboo dropped the glasses, shattered them all over the floor, and pathetically tried to assist getting Boolossus out. It all was over in a matter of twelve seconds and many cringe-inducing images.
And then the coffee all poured out onto the floor.
So it turns out Luigi's not the only one who has a screwy life.

Luigi: It makes me feel fuzzy inside. :)

After that random intrusion, you might redirect your attention back to the crib colosseum with Luigi the Cheerio. For a while that diaper-throwing competition went on, a classic pastime for those of you who had siblings, and then Luigi grabbed one of the bouncy balls, pelted Chauncey with it like a 5th grade bully, and lit him on fire because the kid wasn't watching his cigarette. Then he sucked Chauncey away, won himself a key that was as girly as everything else in the nursery, and that was the end of the first boss.
And so boys and girls, this is a lesson not to be careless with your cigarette butts.