Luigi's Stoopid Mansion

7. Cowboy Problems in The West Wing (A Dead, Dysfunctional Family)

33 seconds later, Luigi and TC #1 stood out on a tiny stone balcony on the side of the mansion.
A lonely wind howled in the air.
TC #1 scratched his unspecified body part.
"Well this sucks," Luigi said at last.
"Well exCUUUUUSE me Luigi! Not everyone can appreciate a tiny destitute balcony!"
Mappy gulped. "Uh Oh. I'm feeling the need to learn them things again."

Author: *sigh* Alright, alright, for this I can make an exception.

Learning with Mappy

des·ti·tute
/ˈdestəˌt(y)o͞ot/
adjective
without the basic necessities of life.

Author: It turns out this is going to in fact be very educational for you all!

Mansion: I don't know about this. Trying to squeeze education into Luigi's Mansion is like trying to squeeze lemons into the ocean.

Author: ??

Mansion: It's going to be very sucky lemonade.

"On closer inspection, that adjective doesn't really seem to fit this balcony," Mappy said.
Luigi peered over the edge. "I don't know, I think it does. Hey, is that a graveyard??"
"So what if it is?" TC #1 asked.
"Well I'm just saying! You dragged me out here to look at dead people?"
"Maybe I find solace with dead people!" He replied defensively. "You got a problem with that?"
"No... I'm just saying it's a waste of time!" Luigi replied.
"Says the guy who was playing dress-up when his brother is in mortal danger." TC#1 crossed his arms.
"There's nothing fake about the corset," Luigi grunted, exhaling while a string snapped on the front.
TC#1 smirked at the audience.
"And this was not by choice I might add!" Luigi said, reaching desperately for the ties in the back.
The toad had no obvious interest in helping. "So what exactly are you actually doing here?" He wanted to know.
"Saving Mario by catching ghosts, obviously," Luigi replied, tearing off his grass skirt and chucking it over the railing.
"Oh. Right. Because that was very obvious right away."
"At least I'm not sitting in a corner crying uselessly," he defended.
"Hey! I already came out here and tried to find Mario," the toad said. "I looked everywhere! Where is he?"
"If you had looked everywhere," Luigi tossed aside some necklaces, "we would already know where he is, wouldn't we??"
TC #1 frowned. "Hey, this isn't about me!"
Mappy spoke up. "To be frank, I don't know WHO this is about, since we're already three rooms in and Luigi hasn't caught a single ghost yet."
"Hey, don't judge! I'm just incredibly gifted," Luigi replied.
"At any rate, we need to get back inside," Mappy said. "That's where the dead people are, not out here underground."
TC #1 snorted. "Fine. I'll just be here with my dead people, where nothing interesting ever happens!"
"Seriously?? You're not going to help either??" Luigi grunted, trying to tug off an enormous cowboy boot. It suddenly gave and went flying over the railing, sailed through the air and crashed right through a large window on a nearby mansion wall.
They stared as glass shattered, the mansion shook, and a lady screamed at the top of her voice.
"Oops," Luigi stated.
"At least you don't have to pay for the repairs," Mappy said.
The toad shrugged and turned away. "Welp, Luigi, have fun inside."

2 minutes later, Luigi stumbled back into the foyer, still struggling out of his various costume parts. Kicking a pink wig over the railing, it landed on Toad's head below, making him look sort of like the guy who sang Boogie Wonderland.
"Whoo-hoo! My prayers have been answered!!" Toad cheered.
Anyway, using a key whose acquisition I did not describe to you, Luigi planned to move on into another door up on the foyer balcony.
But of course, as I'm sure you know, plans are made to be ruined.
MEEMAWMEEMAWMEEMAW!!!
"AAHAHHHAAAaaaahh!! What in Newton's nickers is that obnoxious sound??!" Luigi shrieked obnoxiously. "It's coming from... MY PANTS?!"
"That would be the gameboy," Mappy said blandly.
"What's with the ringtone? That thing sounds worse than my high school alarm!"
"Well of course. You didn't think E. Gadd would install something pleasant, did you?"
Cursing to himself, Luigi put the Game Boy Horror to his ear.
"Yeeeeello!"
"Luigi, don't ever answer like that again," E. Gadd's voice scolded. "And take the camera off your ear, this thing does video calls, remember? Sheesh!"
Feeling very much like a first grader, Luigi did as he was asked. He was greeted onscreen by the wonderfully terrifying sight of E. Gadd.
"Can I help you??"
The professor ignored him. (There he goes again!!) "Actually, Looshy, I was calling to help you," he said. "Hold up a sec. I sense some very strong ghosts ahead."
"You sense?" Luigi repeated. "With what sensory organ?"
"The Force," E. Gadd replied with a wave of his hand. "I'm a Jedi in my free time."
Luigi looked skeptical. "Are you sure you're not... oh, I don't know, a Sith Lord??"
E. Gadd ignored that question. "I sense something... and I think... it must be some of those escaped gallery ghosts!"
"Portrait ghosts," Luigi corrected. "At least... that's what it says... in the manual." Under the professor's terrifying evil glare, he fell silent.
"You can't capture these ghosts by normal means, because they don't show their hearts very easily," he went on. "Nope, not at all."
"Neither do you," Luigi grumbled under his breath.