Survivor's Guilt Book 1 The Breaking Of An Old System

Chapter 15: "Sid" The Never-Ending Cycle Of Self Pity

Present, November 3, 2008.

I opened my bruised eyes slowly and lay on my back, which felt like it was stabbed a thousand times. As the blurriness faded, my vision was overtaken by an emotionless grey sky and I wondered if I was dead. I placed my hands on my stomach and settled into a daydream.

I felt lost in the new reality before me. I believed that I could bring change, yet I believed that I only made things worse. How could I make such a stupid decision? I asked myself. Water from an overhead branch trickled down a leaf and onto my forehead. The leaves then, powerless to the changing world, gave way and drifted toward the earth.

I had it so good compared to how I have it now, trapped in the forest cave with a bruised body that has been bloody and beaten. All the things I took for granted. The people I loved. All gone. I was warned about this and never listened, I had my own belief that things wouldn't turn out this way and yet, here I am. Lying on the ground in pity for myself.

I sat there for a minute before finally getting the energy to get up. My body was badly damaged from falling off a cliff. My ribs felt dislocated, my face was bloody with bruises and marks. I didn't think I had any more damage but when I stood up, my knees felt cut on both sides.

I tried once again and stood up and felt a moment of relief and happiness that I was still alive. I stood behind branches of leaves that were shielding my eyes, so I slowly moved them, and I caught a glance of a girl with bright pink hair and a sinister demeanor. When I looked at her, in her eyes, I could see my own death.

I wanted to look away, but I found myself suffocating and my eyes slowly began shutting. I could hear someone walking toward me as my face smacked the ground. I fainted. I began to get lost in a dream.

I wondered how I came so close and yet so far from my goal. Just two months ago I was a weird yet regular, independent teenager who dreamed of a true democracy and fair treatment. Now I'm a struggling teen who has trust issues and can hardly hold it together.

I was lost in my own shadow, believing I was right and that things would go my way. Especially with all the sins, I've done thinking I could fix them with change. My failures led me up to this moment in my life.

I wake up again in the cave and see this middle-aged man standing over top of me with supplies in his hand. I wipe my eyes saying "Thank you for saving me but it was a waste of time. "He put the supplies down and said ''was it now?" I felt tears swelling up from my eyes while saying "Yes it was, I'm no good to anyone anymore." He scratched his beard saying, "I see that your broken but you're not beyond repair."

I felt a little chuckle as I said, "How do you know? You don't even know me."

Ivory inhaled and exhaled, "I can tell you had a dream and watched it all crumble by the expression on your face. "I got seriously irritated from that comment, so I tried to get back up while saying "What do you know about life old man?" Ivory went and sat down on a rock saying, "I know enough, that the past always catches up with you."

I grabbed my eyes to stop the tears while saying "It does, and that's why I don't even care anymore. If something happens then it does I'm nothing anymore." Ivory clutched his fists together while saying "Child, stop talking nonsense and stand up for what you once believed in!!! Regardless if you hurt yourself again; walk it off."

I breathed heavily saying "My father died a few years ago, and more recently my mother, so I don't have to listen to your old man." Ivory made a surprised face while saying "this old man just saved you and kid the name is Ivory." I tried getting back up but then fell while saying "I don't care what your name is, I said thank you now I got to go. Since I'm not dead yet might as well continue where I left off."

Ivory picked me up by my shirt and put me against the rocky walls, "You must think you know everything kid, that things won't affect you anymore, but you couldn't be more wrong. Would you rather die alone down here than out there with friends."?

I turn my face in the left direction, "I know that my brother's way works best."

Ivory began to squeeze my shirt, "Look at where your arrogance and foolishness has gotten you, boy."

I began to shake out of anger, "I don't need to be reminded of that."

Ivory put me down, "Kid, I was once like you; making all these mistakes that had dire consequences. I learned firsthand what the toll of that type of choice can take on a person. As long you admit nothing is colored coded but can somewhat be bent into something better. I can see the potential within you."

I wipe my hands all over my face, "I've tried again and again to be better than the people I've been fighting but maybe that isn't the way anymore."

Ivory puts his hand on my right shoulder and says, "I can tell you've been suffering through these hard times, but crucibles happen for a reason."

I lay back down flat on the ground, "I only see what Happens, not necessarily why."

Ivory went back over to the rock and sat, " I've been on this earth for almost a century and I still don't understand certain things about it. I'm not asking you to change your ways but at least open your eyes to the truth."

I open my eyes widely, "My eyes have been open for the past six years, pain, more pain, and loss after that. The world is full of it. With all that pain I thought I could make a difference."

Ivory began to shake his head up and down, "Through all that pain, there's something good, something great that comes from it."

I gazed at him, "What would that be?"

Ivory spread his arms, "Friends and family who come together and become one."

I make a sad face, "I only have one real friend left; who was there when I needed one the most."

Ivory make an interesting face, " Who is this kid you speak of?"

I form a little smile, "His name is Lloyd, he has trust issues just like me, our dark past makes it hard to see a bright future, but I've tried to be open to people."

Ivory put his head down a little bit, "I know that road all too well he's down, it's a lonely one."

I put my hands on my head, "I realized that long ago, but he still hasn't, and I wonder if he ever will. I believed through life it'll change him."

Ivory, shook his head sideways, " Sid, you have to learn to accept that some people don't want to, be saved nor be changed from the path they follow."

I crawled a little towards the ocean view, "Have you truly changed from when you were my age?" Ivory puts a thumb up saying "Of course I did. There's nothing like looking back and seeing how far you've come as a person and everyone deserves that chance. Some lose it, and some don't use it."

I put my hand out to the ocean for a few seconds, "Not everyone, not those who want to only destroy a society within and rebuild the way they see fit. That's not how the world works."

Ivory put my hand down, "No one has all the answers, but they believe they do until it blows up in your face."

A few more tears started rolling down my eyes, "I just wanted to prove that my faults were justified to not only them but myself. I'm so sick of failing to save anything. I used to be taught mistakes either make or break us and now I'm seeing my true colors."

Ivory came closer to me holding his hand out, "Take my hand and see what learning from your mistakes can truly cause you to accomplish."