the depths of my despair

Mother

Moving. On. Is harder than i thought i would be
Not speaking to her helped a lot
as soon as she left my world the rocks were lifted from my chest and the chains were released.
Moving forward is hard when i know her every move
every place she goes but that's my fault because i ask to know where she is
to keep my distance to run if i need to
Running was her game and i won't do it unless i need to.
She's causing me not to move on but i know damn well that i need to in order to get my head n straight.
She was never the mother i wanted her to be
Never the person to stay out all night with her friend tequila
She was always the person to defend her boyfriend for rapping my sister
She was the person who chose to run away when things got tough
She was the one leaving her kids behind
I cry out her name when I'm at my worst
When I'm vulnerable
When i know she wont come i stop
I don't want her to come
But some days i need my mom
But with everything I don't need her
I have myself and other people who actually love me .