Not So Different

Ch. 08

Chapter 8: in which she was a ticking bomb

I thought the date went fine; dinner he made himself for a picnic in the park, alongside with champagne and the feeling of infinite when running your toes through the miniscule grains of sand, but he thought it went horribly.

Why? Because apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to him, not as much as I usually do and he wasn't having any of that. Daniel was adamant that something was wrong with me, and I told him maybe I was sick, but he rejected the idea, saying I was fine this morning and there's no way I could have gotten sick so easily.

He also said that I was acting strange, like I didn't know how to act around him and be with him, and I told him that was bullshit and that I love him. But did he listen? No, of course not. He kept going on about the way I talk and my gestures, and how my smile didn't reach my eyes.

Not only that, he accused me of something, something that no girlfriend would ever want to hear their boyfriend saying, especially if it's not true. Especially. But he did, he did and he said I didn't love him anymore. That he could feel it usually but it just wasn't there today.

Of course, I tried to cross out that idea from his head, because not a single word that came out from his mouth was the truth. Of course, I paid attention to him; he's my baby and I love him. Of course, I said that I was acting as I normally do, that I was the same person as always; but he said it's not, that I'm not. He disregarded me completely and thoroughly. And of course, I assure him that I love him. I love him and only him, but why is it so difficult to convince anyone nowadays.

He kept going on about nonsense. Saying how meeting Ray has changed me and that I wasn't the same girl that he fell in love with. He says that I was only a shadow of myself, and he couldn't keep up with that.

And after lots of crying on my part, and him holding my hand tightly, he said the words that I never wanted to hear come out from his mouth: "let's break up." I said no, for good reason. But the main one being I love him and that he was my other half and there was absolutely no way that I could live my days away from him.

He had the decency to tell me that he felt the same, but still rejected my proposal to not break up. It was like he had made up his mind all on his own, without even consulting me; but what was I to expect, because apparently I had become unapproachable in the span of one night.

He was still against it, towards the end. I never stopped crying, and begging, and saying that I'll do better, that I'll change – even though nothing has, he just couldn't see it. I think, after all that, the only reason why he finally agreed was so that I would stop crying.

Daniel had always said that he didn't like to see me cry, that it broke his heart to see me like that. And now I believe him. I know he is compassionate, I know he is kind. I know that he loves me. He just needs to find himself again.

He said I was a shadow of myself, but isn't he too?

Either way, I have managed to convince him to stay with me for now, and I would do anything to not mess up again if that meant I could stay with him. I know we belong together; I had known that since the day we started dating that we would last till the end.

And the end if not here yet.

We can make it through, we have to. I have to. Because without him I am nothing, I am lost and I would have lost my beacon too.

He has been my light for so long, I don't know what I would do if I am without him. Would I be a decent human being? Or one that has completely lost their way with no path of redemption? Or maybe I'd be a shadow; roaming but never living.