Hero

Promise

These past few weeks I haven't been able to fake happiness. Now, usually, I don't have to fake it with Simon because I feel less sad with him. I don't know if it's happiness though. It's just not sadness. I have no idea how to explain it. It's like I feel lighter, less stressed but not bubbly and overjoyed. Though maybe I do feel happy and just not realise it. Who knows...

I haven't felt that indescribable feeling though in almost a month. I have either felt depressed or numb. Sometimes angry. My mother was on a business trip so that's good except the fact I can't enjoy it. My stupid feeling or lack thereof won't let me. I skipped hanging out with Simon and the gang the last two Fridays in a row because I was too tired to go out. Now everyone's worried about me more than usual. Even Mr Hath asked me what's wrong. I kept telling everyone nothing is wrong but they don't believe me. I don't understand what they want me to say. How can I explain what's wrong when I don't even know myself.

I was back at the park. I didn't skip school. Not after the last time but I was skipping work. I have 36 missed phone calls: 20 from Simon, 6 from my Dad, 5 from Elijah and Charlie. Oops. I knew I should feel bad. My dad was probably having a panic attack. But I don't feel bad. I don't feel anything. I sigh. I was currently swinging on a swing and drinking liquor. I googled the strongest liquor just to find it. I actually got drunk from drinking half the bottle. I don't think I'm supposed to drink it straight up because it tastes like an arse but eh.

The children running around annoyed me. I hated all the noise they created but I was still here. I couldn't think of where else I could go. I sighed again taking a big sip of the liquor. I felt giddy. It was weird. I usually never got drunk. It was interesting.  Part of me wanted to see if I could fly because I really thought I could. I've never been drunk for more than a few minutes but this has lasted about an hour. My hangover might actually kill once it happens.

"EMMA FUCKING PIERCE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" I heard a female voice yell. I looked over at an angry, worried Charlie. This girl is everywhere I swear. She looked good today. Though she looks good every day.

As she walked towards me I put my finger on my lips and said," Shhhhh. There are children here. Ya can't use that language." I didn't feel like I was slurring but I heard it. I truly was drunk for once. No more crappy beer. I looked to see mums glaring at us. Oops. This is her fault. I was just minding my own business and ignoring the children but here she is cursing in front of them.

"Are you drunk?" She asked. The anger in her eyes seemed to fade and worry was replacing it. She grabbed my water bottle from my hands and smelt it. She gagged making me laugh. "Why?" Charlie whispered. That one word was stuck in my head. Why... Why do I feel like this? Why am I drinking? Why am I so useless? Why does my mother hate me? Why am I alive? Why did Charlie dump my liquor out from my water bottle?

"Hey! You still owe me from last time!"I exclaimed.

She glared at me but there still wasn't anger in her eyes. I don't know what she was feeling and I was too out of it to find out. "Is this why you ignored everyone's calls? So, you could drink?" She whispered yelled at me.

"No, I ignored everyone's calls because it's 2018 and no one calls anymore. Why don't y'all just text?" I laughed. I don't think she thought it was funny because she was still glaring at me. She wanted me to tell her why I was drinking and ignoring everyone. I sighed, "I was ignoring everyone because I'm tired. I'm tired of everything and I was worried that if I hung out with someone I would get angry with them and hurt them. I am drinking because I wanted to feel something. Good or bad. I just needed to feel something and I finally did. I found something strong enough to make me feel good. Something to distract me from everything." Well, that came out of nowhere.