Velvet Conditions

january 7th, 2019

This is so fucked up. I spent two days with Jordan and his family and he's just texted me saying that it was fun but it's properly over now. I thought we were back together, that's what it felt like anyway, when I was there... I looked really good, or so I thought, because he still doesn't want me. What am I supposed to do to make him want me again? I've been so nervous I couldn't manage to finish any of my meals while at his house, not that that's a bad thing because I feel so bloated at the moment I don't think food would help anyway.

His family is amazing, and I mean proper cool, cooler than my family anyway. Jordan has a twin sister called Karla, she's so lovely and I really like her, we're like sisters to tell the truth. She doesn't seem to know that Jordan and I split because she kept comparing us to a married couple and asking when the wedding is. That hurt quite a bit. Jordan has an older brother too, Tom. Tom is actually legally married to Henry, and they make such a nice couple, I must say I idolise their couple a bit. Not in a creepy way though, I would just want a relationship exactly the same as that. They're so chill about everything, I doubt they ever fight. Tom and Henry are trying to have a baby at the moment, but the adoption process is long, I'd be frustrated I think, if I were them. Why shouldn't they be able to have one as easily as anyone else? (I'm not saying every straight couple has an easy time getting pregnant or whatever, at least they have all the right mechanics though). As for his parents, they seem the happiest people in the world, I swear, it's sickening. That might be a bit harsh, but they honestly are always cracking awful jokes and laughing at each other. Everyone in that family (bar Karla) are all in such... healthy relationships, and until two days ago I thought I could never get tired of that.

Whenever I was in a room with Jordan and anyone else in his family during these past two days, he's been a model boyfriend, playing with my hair, holding my hand and even kissing. Then, when we were alone he would sort of shrink away, but he still slept in the same bed as me, spooning me as always, we even had sex (quietly, obviously). I don't understand why he still wants to end this, but it's not making me feel good.

I'm so confused, I mean, it's fine to want to break up with someone if you don't have feelings for them anymore, but then, you don't invite them to your house where you pretend you're still together, I might have a dysfunctional family but I know that much. It's weird, and I don't understand. But I'm still trying to stick to my list, and not text him unless absolutely necessary. (So far today: 4 times). I'm totally wrapped around his little finger and would do anything to make him happy, even if it destroyed me. Not that it is, I love being with him. We go back to school today, day 1 in public without Jordan.

* * *

School's over now. Lot's of people were whispering when I didn't greet Jordan as usual this morning, which is strange, because I didn't think that many people cared about our relationship. Sadly, we share the same friend group and apparently, they all preferred to take Jordan's side of the break up and so none of them talked to me either. I found myself eating lunch alone, well, sitting in the cafeteria staring at my plate of sausages and mashed potatoes, hoping to disappear. My tummy started grumbling in class too which didn't make anything better, but come to think of it, I can't actually remember the last time I had a proper meal and ate it all up. That's not one of my main concerns right now though, food is a waste of time, and I need to focus all my time on Jordan, more importantly, getting Jordan back.

I've concocted a plan. It's going to take a lot of work, and some more lists.

ALICE GREENE'S PLAN TO GET JORDAN BACK

It's going to play out in 3 simple steps.

Step one: popularity.
And by this I mean, show Jordan what the hell he's missing and look absolutely irresistible, maybe that's a better name for it.

Step one: Show Jordan what the hell he's missing and look absolutely irresistible while doing it.
Sub section 1: Lose more weight, you still look fat, chubby.
Sub section 2: Stop ignoring friends, you haven't done anything to them so there is no reason for them to stop talking to you.
Sub section 3: Learn how to put on make up like those girls Jordan keeps liking on Instagram.
Sub section 4: Get abs and tight bum.

I haven't exactly figured out steps 2 and 3 yet, but I'm working really hard on them, so stay tuned Diary old pal. I'll see you soon.

Alice Greene.

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