Velvet Conditions

january 10th, 2019

I tried talking to my friends. And when I say my friends, I guess I mean Jordan's friends. Because they don't want anything to do with me anymore. I texted all six of them, and only Emma, the girl I thought of as my best friend texted back, saying that since Jordan and I had broken up, we had to go our separate ways. They just pretend they don't know me anymore at school, it's terrible. I don't even go into lunch anymore because it's stressful sitting alone, better not to sit. I go to the library and study. I am so up to date on my homework it's almost worth not having any friends anymore. 

As for Jordan, he's the same as always, except he doesn't talk to me anymore. I've been avoiding him like crazy because it's physically exhausting to try and not talk to him when he's near by. It's like, when I'm not with him I forget I'm not with him, and then I see him, or our group of friends, and it's like the glass shattering over and over. He doesn't love me anymore and he certainly doesn't want to be with me. I need to act fast if I want him back. Every day that goes by is a day that he loves me a little less. 

My mum haven't noticed anything off about me, they think I'm the same as I was last week. It's probably better that way, and I don't want to worry them, but at the same time I kind of wish they would notice. I don't know who I've become to be perfectly honest. I'm so hypocritical and I hate it. I want to be better. 

I can't really blame anyone but myself if we're honest here. Jordan left me because of me, I mean he must have because he hasn't changed in a way that I dislike. My friends left because they all agreed with him, I bet they all talk about me and how insufferable I am. That makes me hate myself, the fact that they were all probably pretending to like me. I feel stupid. 

I don't know where to go from here, I'm still losing weight and working out a lot, but I don't know if it'll be enough, if he'll take me back. 

I keep sending him messages, and then regretting sending them when he doesn't answer. There are about ten now, unanswered questions like "Are you sure this is what you want?" which makes me feel pathetic. I also did something that I probably shouldn't have, that thing being scrolling back up through the messages reading the ones from when we were together. Then crying some more. He was so sweet to me, and now, the award for the pathetic ex girlfriend sending messages to her ex goes to me. I hate being his ex. I wanted to be his forever, that sounds awful and so so cringe but I did. I didn't even think about the possibility of us breaking up, it didn't even come into my mind, because I thought that everything was fine. We weren't the type of couple that would break up. 

* * *

Omg, he's just texted me. He said to stop texting, to leave him alone, that what didn't I understand about us breaking up. He wasn't the person to go to anymore. I know that of course I know that, but it feels so bad. My heart just broke even more than it already was, and I don't know how that's possible. I completely broke down, I thought I was done, at my lowest point, but I wasn't because here I am lower than ever before, I want to fall into a hole and die. 

* * *

I just did something really bad, but also, it felt kind of good. I was sad, and so went down to my kitchen to get some ice cream that my mum saves for emergencies of the heart, so I got my spoon and dug in. I ate a gallon of ice cream. In one go. I felt so guilty that I threw up, literally vomited out of guilt for eating so much. I'm supposed to be losing weight not gaining weight, I can't seem to do anything right. 

It's 2 o'clock in the morning now, and I should go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe it'll be better, maybe not, in any case, you'll know. 

Thanks for being here, I'd probably go crazy without you.