Velvet Conditions

february 24th, 2019

I want to die. 

And by that I mean, I want to curl up in a ball and never have to deal with any of this shit ever again. 

I have been trying to be okay, honesty i have, but it's taking its toll on me. I feel awful all the time and I don't know what to f do about it. I had a conversation with my mum, finally, I told her we had broken up, I cried a bit... She said that men are all the same and deserve to go to hell. I can't help but agree. I just really want to be over him, because I think he's done with me. I don't blame blame him really, I mean, I look at myself and only see disappointment. I'm so disgusted with myself. 

I miss Jordan's warmth so much. I hate myself for missing him, I have never loved and hated someone at the same time before. But i really want to just move on, maybe be friends with him. 

***

He texted me, asked me to come over, he still hasn't told his parents we've broken up. Of course I said yes, so I went over there, had some cuddles and kisses and then came home. I don't understand why he doesn't just tell his family, doesn't he want to move on as much as me? At school he hangs around Emma like she's a goddess, and they seem to be hitting it off (it feels like a knife in the heart if I'm honest, I try not to look at them anymore). So why doesn't he tell his family that she is in fact his girlfriend, not me? It's so confusing because when I'm over there he's like he always was when we were together, and then I get home it's like he's broken my heart all over again. I don't want to ask him about it though, because although I know that he doesn't love me or whatever, I can't help but think he must still have some feelings for me, because he keeps asking me back. I don't want to talk to him about all of this confusion though, because what if he decides that he needs to cut it off completely? And then I never talk to him again. 

His parents told me I had lost weight, said I looked better. I smiled, and refused their offer of food, said that I just wasn't hungry. Which was true, for the record. I've hardly eaten anything since the break up. But I'm finally going to get the body of my dreams, going to be looking like a model. I just need to stay in control of what I'm eating, or in this case, not eating. 

***

Emma posted the most adorable picture of her and Jordan on Instagram. It's them at an ice cream parlour, both with ice cream on their noses, smiling giddily. I had to turn my phone off for a few hours, it hurt so so much. Have you ever had to have a break from the whole internet because you feel so bad? After a while I got over myself, and posted a picture of myself in a bikini saying how much I missed the sun. It's true, I do miss the sun, and last summer, where I spent most of my time over with Jordan's family, playing in their pool and sunbathing next to him. I looked at the photo again, watching the likes climb. There's something about seeing your photos get attention, and I felt a bit better. 

***

Jordan liked it. He liked it after everyone else too, he knew I would get the notification and see his name. What does this mean? Does he still find me pretty? Still have feelings for me? I texted him, once, twice, three texts. He read them, and didn't answer. My mood is a rollercoaster at the moment, except there are far more lows than highs. 

***

I also want to find out what Jordan said to make everyone hate me, my whole friend group -- old friend group have completely blocked me out, still. It's been a month. Mary, my new friend, told me to get over it, they're all fake friends and I don't need them in my life. Mary tells it how it is, and she might be right on this one, but they're the popular group of people at school, and the fact that I used to be one of them and am now reduced to nothing is soul destroying. I miss being at the top, and although people still notice me, it's not the same. 

I want to be pretty and popular again, and I want to be with Jordan again.