Velvet Conditions

feburary 12th, 2019

Wow, so it's been a while. Sorry for not keeping you updated. 

The fact is, I've been wallowing a fair bit, too engulfed by my own misery to be able to do anything really. Jordan is not interested in me anymore, and I'm still not used to not being able to talk to him. I have stopped texting him five times a day, which is good, I'm putting my plan into action. Let me update you on where I'm at with the plan. 

Remember step one? (I think it was show Jordan what he's missing and look irresistible while doing it). 
WELL, I have lost some weight, but not noticeably (and by that I mean, no one has noticed), I have tried reaching out to my friends again and again but they don't answer and I'm honestly tired of trying. I've bought some makeup and am pretty good at it (thank god I have a little bit of artistic talent), but I still have not got the hang of eye liner and I don't think it suits me. 

I have found a new friend. She's pretty and kind, and doesn't talk about boys at all because she's a lesbian. What's more, she's very shy, so when we're together we usually get lost in our own respective thoughts. It's very refreshing. I don't go to the library for lunch anymore because I eat with her, and when I say eat, I mean I push the food around my plate a bit until it's time to leave. She thinks I should go to therapy, because I'm not eating. I think that sounds like a stupid idea, and took it as a joke when she told me. Breakups are normal, everybody goes through them without therapy. I am a normal person, and this isn't affecting me to the point of needing therapy, besides, they'll just try and put me on some kind of medication, and I want to stay true to myself. 

There's another reason why I don't want to go to therapy. My mum spends all her spare cash on her therapist. She says he's a miracle worker, he diagnosed her with being depressed and gave her some kind of pill, but she doesn't look better, she's different when on her medication, but not better. I don't want to be changed. 

I've been doing some soul searching too, since being single. I've been lying in my bed and wondering who I am, what I want to do once I'm 18. It's been stressing me out, because the idea was to take a year out with Jordan and go and see the world, then come back and do college but we hadn't got that far yet. Now I don't know what will happen. Hopefully I can get Jordan back and we can carry on our plans. I guess I have time to decide. 

***

Oh my god I swear I put this diary down after being able to collect my thoughts for 5 seconds and something has to happen to make everything in my head turn upside down. It's never anything good either. 

Emma texted me, remember her? I wish I didn't remember her either. She was my best friend for two and a half years while I was dating Jordan, and then she dropped me as quickly as possible. 

"I'm sorry I left you alone, but after what Jordan told us I can't even look you in the eyes anymore. You lied to us and were so fake, to everyone. Take a good look at who you are before dragging other people down into your mess of a life." 

I feel like I can't breathe, honestly I've been sitting here for the past ten minutes, trying to find my breath. I don't even want to look at my phone. I don't even know what they think I've lied about. But I don't want to text her back. I don't want to go back to school... What has Jordan been saying about me? 

***

I texted him... a few times, to ask what he's been saying about me. Of course he didn't answer but I wasn't expecting him to. I wish he never broke up with me, I'm so in love with him, still. I would actually forgive him for anything he does. He is amazing, and I'm sure there was a misunderstanding on what happened with Emma. 

I better go, my mum has tried to make dinner and I have to go and help. 

Alice Greene

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