Striking Blue || Connor Murphy

CrimsonRed

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okay so this chapter gets quite intense I apologise in advance if it upsets you/triggers you. Triggers: self-harm/suicide

We've settled on the roof of Connor's truck staring at the starry sky. We sit for some time before he breaks the silence "do you ever just want to grab a massive knife and carve yourself up?" I'm taken aback by his question "what makes you say that?" I take my eyes off the sky and look at him. "Because you have scars just as many like as me and you know what urges are like? I assume you do" he swallows not taking his eyes off the sky. "Is there something you want to tell me? Or talk about?" I ask gently "no it's fine" he states softly "are you sure? Because I've been there I know exactly how you feel but if you're not ready that's okay I'll always listen" I tell him "Ugh it's just" he stops looking down to breathe. "You know how sometimes everything is just too much? And like you know how to navigate this because you've been here before but then you get thrown a curveball and then you're back a square one with nothing to show for it and it Uh fuck" he stops again think, we're silent for some time before he continues "I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was taking my knife and just ending it all and then Zoë started on me, I wanted to punch her and it's just I don't even know anymore?" He finishes clenching his jaw. "You're overwhelmed, I know exactly what you mean, what is something you want to do? Don't give the urges control. Tomorrow we have to go in to school as I'm dangerously close to being suspended again and I'm sure you are too but on Saturday come pick me up and we'll do whatever you want within reason I'm not going to murder anyone I'm also drawing the line at sex but if it would make you feel better you can be in control for the day" instantly I put myself aside again for someone else "Uh what? Sure" after that we just continue to watch the stars

"Was there something you wanted to tell me?" I ask as we're pulling out of the orchard "no it's fine" he's lying but I don't want to push him. Against my better judgment I ask again "are you sure?" "Do you ever shut up? I was going to say we could've drank but then I thought it wasn't fair" he doesn't look at me when he speaks "oh? What's not fair about it?" I know the answer I'm a lightweight compared to him "don't play dumb" he scowls at me "for fuck sake what have I done now? Is this how it's going to be I ask you a question and you get upset" I huff turning away. "I don't think its very fair of you to wear shorts" it barely register before I whirl around and smack him "fuck you Murphy I'll wear what the fuck I want" I stop myself from shouting just barely "I meant is at a complement geez, I wanted to say you have a nice ass but fucking hell if that's how you react" grumbling he turns down his road "why are we here?" I ask raising an eyebrow "you deserved that smack think about want you say before you say it" I continue "I need to pick up something" he says shutting the engine off "course you do, where is everyone?" I say noticing the driveway is empty "out I guess, wanna come in real quick it's cold out here" he offers "Uh no I have to get home it's past one, thanks though" I say quietly "oh okay do you want me to drive you?" He ask going grabbing his keys again. "Yeah, usually I'd say no but it's fucking cold outside" I say motioning to my poor choice of clothing for November.

The drive home is quiet with Joji playing softly. "I didn't know you liked him." Connor glances at my as he speaks "Uh yeah, depends on my mood though" I reply softly. We don't talk the rest of the way. "Thank you for the lift, let's hope my mum is still asleep" grinning tiredly i say as I unbuckle my seatbelt and grab my things "no worries, you're lucky you caught me in a good mood" he grins boyishly as he speaks "alright Murphy," I laugh "it was nice to spend actual time with you though, and we didn't even fight once. That's progress" I say opening the car door. I look at him "I meant what I said about Saturday, we can do whatever you want, within reason" stepping down from the truck I look up at the house no lights are on which is a good sign "I'll see you tomorrow" he calls before I shut the car door "yeah". I walk up to the house and quickly walk around the back hoping I remembered to leave the back gate unlocked. I did. Opening the back door slowly I put my keys and wallet on the counter and slip my shoes off leaving them by the door. Slipping up the stairs I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I process the promise I just made. As I pass my parents room I hear them both snoring which is a good sign. I flop into my bed crawling under the covers it takes a while for me to fall asleep as my mind races.

I wake up barely three hours later it's still dark outside, I feel sick, getting up I make my way to the bathroom turning the light on I sit on the floor staring at the toilet. if you vomit you're cleaning it, it could be your period? No, you had one last week. Maybe eating sugary things late at night like ice cream? I'm sat barely breathing "why the fuck did I do that? He must think I'm clingy" muttering to myself I lean my head back on to the cold tiles of the wall. I stay like this for a long time thinking over what Connor was talking about in the orchard. He pities you. He doesn't like you, you shouldn't have caught feelings. He's going to leave. Maybe we should just grab a razor? Mum stopped hiding them, I think she wants me to kill my self. She refuses to get you help so maybe she should start worrying? The funeral bill will be a shock. Get the razors to do it. I'm on autopilot, I know how this works I get the razors, slash my body up and the voice stops for a small while then it comes back and wants more. I barely register what I'm doing before crimson red is slowly seeping down my arm, I've never done that before. The voice doesn't stop, telling me to keep going, I have no self-control. I don't think. the blood keeps coming, I falter for a moment thinking of Connor. This is how he feels, isn't it? Except he has actual reasons doesn't he? His family hates him, don't they? They won't get him help, you keep dicking him around and yet here you are crying over nothing and now you have to clean up this mess. I go to stand, my head swims briefly. I blink trying to focus, the sunspots in my vision don't stop dancing. You're going to die. Fuck. Everything stops for a moment and I have some clarity I feel the blood dripping off my finger onto the floor. Slowly I walk over to the sink and run my arm under the cold tap to assess the damage. Seeing that it wasn't helping I start rummaging through the cabinets looking for gauze I find it ripping open the packet I start trying to apply as much pressure as I can "shit, shit, shit dumbass" muttering to myself as the gauze slowly turns red, I jam my arm between my knees while I use my other to look for the bandage grabbing it I try and wrap it as best as I can. It takes a few tries before the pressure is correct once it is I immediately tie it off and start cleaning. It takes me awhile as I have to stop a few times so I don't vomit. By the time I'm finished it's nearly 4 am