Fat Boy // styles [Disorder prequel]

five

"And there's no one there to save me from my own self destruction."

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October 19, 2008 - 21:34

I know what I'm going to be for Halloween, isn't that great? I'm going to be myself, because how much more of a horrible monster can I get other than myself? Yes, you're reading correctly. I am a monster, a terrible monster that does not deserve to be alive. I am disgusting. I am repulsive. I mean, I must be - that's what everyone has said to me. So why shouldn't I believe it?

At night for the past few days, when I close my eyes, I feel comfort. I don't see anything - it's a dark world, but it's so dark it's beautiful. It's paradise. Maybe the darker my world becomes the more beautiful it will be; and if I'm lucky, maybe I will become more beautiful with it. I just want to be enough, you know? I want to feel a bit wanted, but I'm not. And everyone always says, "when will the unwanted people notice we don't want them there". Well, I've noticed, and I'm trying. Believe me, I'm trying not to be noticed anymore. I've given up on my crush. I'm improving myself to be someone everyone wants to be around, that everyone wants to be.

And I will be. Once I become thinner.

Love Always,

Harry Styles

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You don't have to read this, I just need to vent a bit. Not that you would really care :|...

I just, I'm really done with being myself, you know? I look into the mirror and for a brief second I think I look fine, but then I realize I'm just not good looking. I'm still fat. I lost 20 pounds this summer and somehow gained 15 after that. And I'm scared to look at a scale now because I know I'm over 135 pounds now. And all these girls are skinny and pretty and I'm not them. I'm not them and my own mother doesn't understand that. She keeps telling me to lose weight and I can't handle it.

My own mother has raised me into feeling like I am not good enough. My whole family has brushed me aside like I matter so little. I've been independent since 3rd grade, acting older than I was. Even now, people mistake me for a university student rather than an underclassman in high school sometimes. I have an old soul, but sure that's great. But I feel like I missed out on the wonders of having a childhood like everyone else's. I'm too mature for my age, and yeah that's great and all but, I wish that people realize just because I'm mature doesn't mean you can treat me the way they do. I have feelings. I'm human. I can't bend to your wishes. But they've bent me over and over again, and I've snapped. And over this past year I haven't gotten better, I've just had things taken away from me. I've just been smashed to smaller bits. And I know people say that someone will come along and hold me so tightly all my broken pieces will fit back together again, but I've lost some of those pieces - I've lost parts of me that I never knew I had. I've lost myself and I don't know how to get it back.

And sure on my birthday card my parents said "you're happiness means so much to us" but I doubt that. When my parents want to "talk" to me, I never get a say in it. I'm not allowed to be myself, I'm boxed inside a body that I've hated since 2nd grade when my own friends didn't want me around. My father speaks to me like I'm some sort of fucking employee and that "he has authority and has never lost authority so I should never interrupt and should always respond with a yes or a no" and then he has the audacity to try to hug me when I'm crying. He looked like he was going to kill me when I started to tear up, he shouldn't be allowed to touch me. He says he doesn't feel like a dad, well big whoop, I don't feel human. I feel like a doll, being pushed around to fit everyone's needs and I'm not ever going to satisfy everyone. I know I'll never be good enough, so why don't they?

I don't have parents. I refuse to call this my family. I refuse to call people my friend until they've earned the title. I don't want people close, I want them far away, even if that means they need to be next to me to be as far away as possible.

I've already starved myself. But they started to notice so now I'm at 200 - 300 calories a day, and I feel disgusted with the triple digit number. I hate it, I hate myself. I've purged, I've cut, I've cried, I've felt numb, and now I don't know. They know about my cutting, they know I'm suicidal. And it's just so fucking pointless. All I can think about is just disappearing for good. I can't see myself having a future. I can't see someone loving me and I just feel like a broken capsule with nothing left inside her. I'm just done, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Sorry.... If you actually read that.

- hannah xoxo