Toxic Lips [l.h]

f o r t y n i n e

"Her name was Isabel," he says quietly. "Isabel Fox." He bites his lip. "I met her in a bar when I was half hammered, and the only thing I could think the moment I met her was, 'she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.'

A small smile graces his lips. "She had this blonde hair, really soft. It was long too, it went to like half way down her back. And she always wore it in these waves that I liked. Oh, and she was from London, so she had an English accent. She was kind of like... my English love affair, in a way. And she had these really bright brown eyes, that were so clear. They were so bright, Alaska. So bright." I see the memories clouding before his eyes as he looks up at the sky.

He takes a deep breath before continuing. "I had just moved into my apartment, and honestly, I was a mess. But when I met Isabel--damn. She was like nicotene, that girl. She didn't commit to anyone, and I knew that, but somehow I just kept going back to her. It would be three in the morning, and I'd be up, and I'd call her and she'd always pick up. Every time... And before I knew it, I couldn't let her go." 

The smile falls from his lips and he looks up to meet my gaze. "Except, I was nothing to her. I knew that, too. I knew she only kept me around because I was crazy for her, and she thrived on that. I knew it, but I didn't do anything about it."

He looks down at his lap, and I would be lying if I said that there weren't tears in my eyes. "So when she told me she was moving to LA to pursue her acting career, I guess I wasn't too surprised. I told her I loved her that day, and she laughed in my face."

I stare at Luke, completely captivated. 

"I remember every second of that day," he says quietly. "It's like, everything I said to her bounced off her. Nothing I said matters. And she just, took my every breath away. Even with all the mistakes I made, she still made me feel wanted. And I've got all these letters I wrote for her that I saved. It's like, they are everything I didn't say."

He looks down, sadness evident in both of our faces. "That day she left, I was gutted. I wanted to scream and yell at her for leading me on all this time, but instead I watched her move out of your--" He stops himself, looking away quickly.

"What? My what?"

He sighs. "Your apartment," he says softly. "She used to live in your apartment."

It all seems to click in my mind. "That's why you hated me," I say quietly. "Not because you thought I was pretentious, because I moved into her apartment and you hated that." 

He nods. "Yeah... The day we met, and I told you to keep the noise down, I came over just to see for myself that she was really gone. I mean, it had been three years. No one moved in, I had just thought it would remain vacant, and I was okay with that. But then you answered the door... and--and you had this brown hair, and these green eyes that were the opposite of Isabel's... I hated that you moved in, with all your stuff, just... wiping the slate clean of everything that Isabel ever had in that apartment,"

Luke meets my eyes. "And I'm sorry, for that. I was such a douche."

"It's alright."

He nods, sighing. 

"Have you spoken to her since?" I ask. 

Luke shakes his head. "Nope. Like, I had her phone number and everything, and I called her a few days after she left and a guy answered."

I stare at him, fascinated.

"I asked who he was, and he told me he was her boyfriend. She had been gone for two days, Alaska. Forty eight hours later and she had a boyfriend." Luke shakes his head, looking down.

"She never once let me be her boyfriend," he says in a small voice. I look up at him, to see a single tear roll down his cheek. 

I feel the urge to wrap my arms around him in that moment; to comfort him. To tell him that he'll fall in love with someone new, and that he'll be happy. I want him to be happy. I want to watch him smile with his dimples, and watch his eyes squint up when he laughs really hard. I want to tak his hand a tell him that Isabel wasn't good eough for him, and that there is someone else out there who is.

But I sit still, watching him.

"I'm sorry that happened," I say. 

He nods. " I know. I am, too."

I swallow. "Do you... do you still love her?"

Luke looks at me. "No." He licks his lip ring. "I don't believe in love anymore."

"That's not very optimistic."

"I'm not an optimist."

"I see."

"Alaska, this isn't a fairytale. There are no happy endings, there are no Prince Charmings, and there is certainly no love."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"You can't honestly tell me that you believe in that shit, do you?"

"I do."

"Alaska, you've been sexually assulted once, and physically abused twice. How could you possibly think love exists?"

I flinch at his words. "Just because I've been through that, doesn't mean I'll never fall in love with someone. Someone who won't do any of that to me." I look up at him.  "I think if someone right came along, you could fall in love again."

Luke scoffs. "That's a load of shit."

"No it's not. You shouldn't let one girl ruin your outlook on love."

"She wasn't just a girl," he says quietly. "She was Isabel."

I suddenly find myself wondering what it would be like to be loved by Luke. Would he do anything for me? Would he kiss away the pain that still lingers from my past with Connor and Elise? Would he hold my hand whenever I was feeling down, and hold me close to him when I couldn't sleep?

Would he take every opportunity he could to make me smile?