Toxic Lips [l.h]

s e v e n t y t h r e e

I will remember how you kissed me, 

Under the lamppost back on sixth street, 

Hearing you whisper through the phone. 

Wait for me to come home.

-----

My entre body begins to shake and the journal slips from my hands.

No, this can't be real. It's another nightmare, right?

"What is it?" Elise asks.

I can't talk. I find it hard to breathe. Here, in my hands, rests an in depth account of Luke's thoughts and feelings. 

As I stare at it, another thought dawns on me.

Who sent it?

Emma? Perhaps. I haven't spoken to her to the night of the party.

I flip the package over and search for a return address.

It's scratched out.

Thinking of Luke has opened, shut, written in and touched this journal thousands of times makes me tremble and I hold back tears. 

I feel my mother's and Elise's eye on me and the temperature in the room seems to rise rapidly.

This is too soon. Even though it's been five months, this is too soon for me and I'm not emotionally ready to read Luke's thoughts if he isn't even living. 

I hastily set the book back on the table in the foyer, taking a few steps back.

"I-I need air," I stammer and turn to walk out. 

I race down the stairs and out into the night, taking long, deep breaths. My vision is blurred and my chest feels like it's collapsing on itself. I haven't felt like this since the night of the party, and honestly, it's the worst feeling I've ever felt.

I fish for my keys and unlock my car. I need to drive, to clear my mind. I've done this many times when missing Luke got particularly bad, and it's helped a bit in the past.

"Alaska, wait."

I turn my head and face Elise as she runs out of the building behind me. She walks over to me, holding out the journal.

"Look, I don't know what this is or who it's from, but I think you need to take it."

I bite my lip, looking from Elise to the journal and back. She raises her eyebrows at me.

Finally, I hesitantly reach out and take the journal, getting into my car and tossing it on the passenger seat.

I drive down the busy streets of Perth, focusing my mind on the traffic. 

A large part of me wants to read the journal; to memorize every word on every page. But I know my emotional and mental state is so fragile right now, and reading it could sent  the carefully constructed walls surrounding my heart crashing down.

I venture out of the city, finding myself on the highway. It reminds me of driving on the highway to Sydney; Luke slumped in the passenger seat next to me, complaining about the songs on the radio.

"You idiot," I say out loud to myself. "All highways look the same."

Great, now I'm talking to myself.

"Alaska, you seem glum."

I look over and see Luke sitting in the passenger seat, feet resting on the dashboard.He wears his red plaid shirt and black jeans, black converses on his feet. He chews on a wad of bright green gum, his pink lips turned up in the smirk I missed so much.