Toxic Lips [l.h]

s e v e n t y t w o

'I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things.

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape.

Cause I'm not fine at all.'

-----

5 Months Later

Elise and I sit on the rustling old park bench we always used to pass the time on in Perth. The sun is shining, and some kids play tag on the grass in front of us. A man throws a tennis ball to his dog, a few teenagers just laying on blankets and sunbaking. May has always been my favourite month. But not this year. 

No month has been easy for me this year.

After the night of the party, I packed my bags and came straight back to Perth. Part of me was honoring my promise to Luke, but the other part of me just wanted to get the hell out of there. I have no idea what even happened to him after I saw the bullet fly from Drew's gun. Or the rest of the alliance, for that matter. I passed out in Calum's car after seeing Luke crumble to the ground, and woke up in my own bed. I've never cried so much in my life, and I hope I never have to again.

I cut myself off from everything in Sydney except for Mr Adams, who has let me write and edit songs from here in Perth. He knows what happened that night, and I think he's cutting me some slack. I mail him my edited songs, and he mails me new ones each week. 

I do not know if Luke is alive or dead.

From what I saw, I assume he's dead. And I think about that every single day.

Since December, I have mulled over and analyzed the incident. If only I could have been the one to go with Drew and let Luke go; if only I had taken that bullet. I would gladly do it in a second. And I have no doubt I would have if Calum's grip was any looser.

It's like my life has been sucked clean by that bullet. I feel like my eyes are always red from thinking about it and tearing up. I feel like there's a giant gap in my chest that Luke used to flil. My old fear of being alone has come back to haunt me, except this time, it's one thousand times worse.

Sometimes the image of Luke lying on the ground of that alley, all covered in blood surfaces in my mind and it makes me literally sick in the stomach. I have trouble sleeping at night due to nightmares that make the ones I dreamt before the party look like a joke.

Without Luke, I don't live-- I simply exist.

"Nice day."

I turn my head to look at Elise.

I nod, turning my attention back to the grass.

"Want to go see a movie later?"

"What movie?"

"Any movie you want."

I shrug.

"Want to go get lunch?"

I shrug again.

"What do you want to do?"

Elise is trying, she really is. I love her so much for that, but I just can't force myself to act interested and upbeat when all I am is sad.

Sad. That's one word for it.

"I just want to sit here for a while," I answer at last and Elise nods, turning her attention back to the park.

I remember clearly the night I flew in. It was the day after the party, and I spent the entire flight convincing myself that it couldn't be true. But when I tried to call Luke's cell phone and I got no answer, I knew it was.