SHINEE's dream girl

Chapter Twenty-eight

Once we reached the dorm, I head straight to the bathroom and lock the door. In these four walls is where I finally let go. My body convulses violently as a shriek escapes my throat. The tears stroll down, I can feel they're trail down my cheeks. They sting once they land on the scratches on my face.

Suddenly there's banging on the door.

"Ha Ni open up!" I can hear Minho's desperation. I cover my face with my hands and don't open the door.

"Ha Ni please! please let me in.....I....I need to see you" He bangs harder and I cover my ears. Please stop.

please stop.

"Minho stop"

Its as if my thoughts were heard. Taemin heard me.

I hear Taemin's footsteps toward the door. "let her be, she needs some time alone" he says gently.

I hear Minho Sigh. I hear him plop himself down on the floor on the other side. Our backs to one another, the only thing separating us is the bathroom door.

I hear the rest of the boys walk away. They're room doors close. Its not long before the whole dorm is silent.

I look up at the roof. I take deep breaths and try to steady myself. There has to be a way for me to be free. Free from guilt, Free from debt, free from hate.

Free from myself.

"mom" I say the words out loud but choke on them.

When was the last time I called her that? I think back to that day. Back to my nightmare.

Soo Hi had been awarded a medal for being top of her class, so dad insisted on taking her out to dinner. I remember him asking my mom to buy a cake to surprise Soo Hi. She smiled and planted a kiss on his cheek. She held my hand in hers and told him she wanted to take me along. He approved and ruffled my hair.

"I'll see you at the restaurant Kigo" he said to me.

We left and headed out to the market.

"how's little Kigo feeling today? huh?" I stayed silent, ashamed to say what was on my mind.

"Kigo, do you know how much I love you? I'd do anything for you, and so would daddy"

"Daddy only loves Soo Hi" I had said.

"No, I know it seems that way, but he's just trying to make her successful, that's why he spends so much time with her. But you Kigo, Your special. I felt it ever since you were here" She points at her belly and then pokes mine, making me giggle. We laugh together for a while.

If I would have known that it would be e last laugh we'd have together.... I would have made it last an eternity.

"You're special Kigo, remember that. And mommy is always with you" she smiled at me.

We chose a strawberry cake covered in chocolate. I can close my eyes and see it clearly, even smell it.

we we're on our way to the car when I saw an Ice cream vendor across the street. I remember tugging on her arm and begging for just one scoop. She gave in and held my hand to cross the street.

"OK Kigo, just one scoop" those...were her last words to me.

For years I'd wished to turn back time. Why did I have to insist on that ice cream? Was it so special that I had to sacrifice my mothers life? Could I have spared her if I would've just stayed quiet?

"mom, I'm sorry..... I......I didn't mean to hurt you" The tears returned. I've waited fifteen Years to say that.

I feel something brush my side. I look down next to me and see Minho's long fingers sliding in from under the door. He wiggles them, and I can't help but let out a small chuckle.

"I'm here for you" he says from the other side. He wiggles his fingers once more and I place my hand on them.

"Sometimes, life takes us by surprise. Sometimes in the worst of moments. But we can't blame ourselves, It would be like trying to trap the wind. Useless. What happened is in the past, learn from it. Move on"

he says these words to me, slowly. As if he'd been thinking about what to say to me this whole time.

"Kigo" I say to him.

"what?"

" She used to call me Kigo" I explain. We both stay silent for a couple of seconds.

"let me in" he says finally. I remove my hand from his fingers and stand up. I open the door slowly.

He stands there looking at me. His dark eyes fixed on me. He enters the bathroom. He closes the door and takes a deep breath.

"I'm here.....Kigo" with that he embraces me in his arms. My walls come down and I forget about everything. Nothing matters, just this moment.

He kisses the top of my head. Then he puts his hands on both sides of my face. My whole body tingles at his touch.

"Don't run from me. just stay as you are, stay by my side" He says to me firmly. I nod in reply.

He leans in. I can smell his cologne and minty breath. I close my eyes and wait for his kiss. But it doesn't come. My sleeve is pulled down and he kisses my bare shoulder. My heart pounds loudly in my ears, making me dizzy. He pushes my hair out of the way and presses his lips on my neck, making his way up to my cheek.

My breathing becomes heavy as I become impatient. I kiss him. Hard. All of my emotions become one once our lips touch. He presses me against the wall and returns my kiss. "My precious Kigo" he whispers at the nape of my neck.

I pull away and smile at him. He does the same.

we touch foreheads.

In this moment. I've made my decision.