Miles Away | Nick Mara

Thirty Nine

I'd first heard about Kaylee through Instagram. A couple of pictures had popped up on my feed, posted by fan accounts, of them dancing at a party. He held her by her waist while her hands travelled up and down his body... I couldn't watch any more. A few other pictures showed them together, sitting at the back of the room in the dark lights, kissing and making out with drinks in their hand, while everyone else was dancing and drinking.

I felt a type of pain that I couldn't describe. I could literally feel my heart break; it ripped apart into a million different pieces, and I couldn't fix it back up. It was a type of pain that didn't require any tears, because the heartbreak was sufficient enough.

But it was my fault. I'd let him go. I'd told him that we should take a break, and I'd put him in a position where he couldn't disagree. I'd pushed him away.

"You should go for it." I said quietly, forcing a fake smile. "I'm sure she's a good person."

He shook his head. "No."

"Nick, I-"

"No, Aubri." He voice was shaking. "I didn't do what I did because I thought she was attractive, I didn't do it because I wanted her, I didn't do it because I felt something for her. I did it because I wanted to forget you. I did it because out of the 30 days that you weren't with me, the only way to spend one night without feeling that pain was to do what I did with her."

I looked at him.

"You don't understand." He said. "I needed that pain to go away. Just for one night. It didn't mean anything more than that."

"Okay."

He waited for me to say something more. I knew what he wanted me to say, but I couldn't say it. I meant it, but I couldn't say it. When he realized that I had nothing further to tell him, he sighed in disappointment and walked away, closing the door firmly as he left the house. He'd taken all his things.

As soon as Nick left, my dad walked out. I smiled at him, then returned to looking at the ground, waiting for him to go downstairs before I walked to my room. But he didn't move. He stood in front of his bedroom door, watching me. I looked up.

"Go after him, Aubri." He said.

I hadn't heard his voice in a while; it was fragile, as if he'd break down into tears at any moment.

"You already lost someone you love. Don't lose another." He nodded.

My voice broke. "I can't."

He walked towards me, and sat down in the same place Nick had been before he'd walked out. I looked at my dad, waiting as he figured out what to say.

"You love him." He said. "And he loves you. It doesn't matter if it's not working out right now. It matters that two people love each other. Regardless how hard it may be, that type of love is too rare to just ignore and walk away from. He loves you, Aubri. More than you can understand. And you love him. Your mother could see it, and now so can I."

A year rolled down my cheek.

"Go after him."