released ± [ luke hemmings ]

± n i n e

±

*flashback continued*

The main reason why I forced myself to put up with my mum's bullshit is because I didn't want to see her go down that path again, because deep down I knew that it would have been hard for her to quit drinking like she did, even through everything she did to us.

So yes, I took out her stupid trash that night. I only wish I'd had the guts to refuse and stand up for myself, my sister might still be alive.

I grabbed the black bag, making my way back through the kitchen and towards the front door. It was especially cold that night, the beginning of January, a fresh year, and a thin layer of frost could be seen, sparkling on every outdoor surface. 

It was as though the world was waiting for it to happen; the perfect setting, the perfect night. Something just had to go wrong.

The large complex-shared bins were just on the other side of a relatively busy road, everyone in the estate used them as they were emptied every other night, meaning they didn't have to wait a week for their personal rubbish to be delivered. Carefully, I crossed the road, dragging the large back behind me as I quickly tossed it into one of the large bins.

Carelessly, I began brushing my hands together to rid myself of any potential germs. Then, I turned around, just like I normally do.

My mind was hazy, somewhere else. It was as though I already knew what was coming.

I could feel it.

My body stepped into the road, my mind not there. Immediately, I could feel the blinding headlights course through my veins, but I didn't move.

I had so much time to move, if I had quickly jumped backwards or forwards, I would have been out of the way.

But, I had a split second of selfishness.

It's in these 'seconds of selfishness' that you can't help but think of yourself. There's always everyone else, right at the back of your mind, but your focus isn't on them, it's on you. What you want, and that's why these seconds are so dangerous and lead to so many consequences.

My theory was, maybe this is my way out. The impact of that fast approaching car would kill me immediately, right on impact. I wouldn't feel a thing, and all my emotional and past-physical pain would be gone.

I was so, so selfish.

The last thing I remember was Laura screaming, rushing from the doors as she saw me stood in the road, like a deer in headlights. Tears immediately sprung to her face, the car just metres away from me now as the words, "Mads, I love you!", escaped her, before she ran with all her might and pushed me out of the way of the car.

They tell me I blacked out or fainted after that, whatever. Who the hell cares. All I know is that I wasn't hit by the car, and I should have been, as Laura had taken my place.

Laura was beautiful, she cared about me so much and I took her life away from her, I might as well have picked up a gun and shot her myself.

And I had to live with that, I had to live with the fact that my 'moment of selfishness' had killed my sister, and I was never going to get her back.

*flashback ended*

~

"Can you really blame me for thinking it's my fault, Laura?" I said softly, a state of desolation filling me completely as I clumsily picked at the grass of my sister's grave.