*cue intro to Without Me by Eminem*
GUESS WHO'S BACK YOU GUYS?!?! ME!!!!!
Appreciate my sisters new puppy, her name is Baylee. She's two years old and super cuddly. That's her in the picture.
Alright, so a tooooonnn of things have happened since I posted I wasn't going to be writing anymore and I feel as though I'm in such a better state of mind and a better state emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. I've managed to push through a few of my own obstacles since I gave up writing and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
I know that my little break from writing hasn't even been that long, less than a year, but I've had time to grow and improve and learn things about myself so much in those last few months that I'm in a completely different mindset that what I was at the start of my break.
So a couple things that were a big change in my life was graduating. I can't even remember if I ever told you guys but I was in college and living in downtown Pittsburgh. I completed my 16 month program on December 13th, 2018. I graduated with a specialized associates degree for hospitality and travel. Even though I complained constantly throughout that year and thought about dropping out quite a few times, I preserved and finished. Guys, I can't even begin to explain that feeling of accomplishment and successfulness you feel upon receiving your cap and gown, receiving your degree, and walking across the stage. I'm that moment it felt so surreal to finally be completing something all on my own.
I have been through so many changes within my self it's unreal. The first major change was actually moving to Pittsburgh and that's what kick started everything. Because I lived in downtown, I walked everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. Since living there, I have lost 20-30 pounds and learned to love myself even through the struggle of being a college student. In addition to that, mental and emotional issues.
I struggled so hard this past year with my emotional and mental health. There were a bunch of ups and downs and stupid decisions that probably shouldn't have been made but I learned to not regret those decisions and instead learn from them and improve myself from the result. I had thought about suicide more than I'd like to admit this last year, and yet here I am. Guys and girls, listen. If you are going through a tough time or even a small rough patch, tell someone. It's the best thing you could do for yourself. Don't go through something like that alone, it's so much harder on yourself if you do so. No matter what anyone says, your mental, physical, and emotional health is more important than anything else that may be thrown your way.
Another thing I had to overcome was a couple things in one. One half of those things was moving back home. Packing up everything in my dorm room, and walking across the stage put everything into perspective. I had made 3 close friends while in Pittsburgh and I had to leave them. The 4 of us had cried at graduation because we had to leave. We had been able to see each other every single day for 16 months and now suddenly we had to separate. I'm really gonna miss those girls and all of the things we got through together. The other part of moving home? Well, I had to learn to deal with heartbreak.
Um, there's not really anything I can say that will accurately describe how heartbreak exactly feels as it's different for everyone. But the general feeling? Hurt. You hurt in your head from the tears, you hurt in your chest from trying to breathe, and you hurt in your heart from losing that one person you thought was going to be there. I became numb. I didn't care about really anything, I stopped eating as much, only one or two times a day, I didn't really come out of my room. I had digressed from where I was upon being in Pittsburgh. The boy who broke my heart wasn't even my boyfriend. The boy who broke my heart was an official unofficial boyfriend. I met this boy about 2-3 months into college when he hung out with an old roommate. I had seen him in school and stuff here and there but didn't really pay any attention to him. A couple months later and I had found him on Tinder. We had matched the same day and immediately started talking. Him and I had talked back and forth on Snapchat every single day for about 8 months. Over the course of those 8 months we became close. I had even started sleeping in his room for about the last 2 months we were in school. I was barely in my room, except to change, shower, and eat.
It really takes a lot for me to trust people let alone guys due to something that happened when I was a child. I was very cautious at first because of this, but things just became easier for me. Being around him was a lot easier for me then it was with other people I was around. I felt I could be myself around him when I used to have to only let certain parts of myself out. This boys name is Ethan. Ethan Mitchell. We used to have cuddle sessions after school and when I didn't have to work. I balanced work, school, homework, him, and my other two friends out and it was hard but I made it work. Most of the time I did homework in his room while he did his.
This is a long part but I don't care. So, I have only ever like two people in my whole life. One was an ex boyfriend and then Ethan. I'm not exactly sure what it was about Ethan that made me like him more but I did. I just really didn't even have to try when I talked to him because it was just easy for us. Something that I don't really feel with a lot of guys that I felt with Ethan was safe. I was completely vulnerable around him and I didn't feel I could be that way around others. I could actually see myself dating him and he lived an hour from me. I was genuinely happy with the fact I could see myself dating him and he's actually the first person I felt like this about and it honestly came around and backfired.
New Year's Eve, he told me he had gotten another lady friend and he couldn't talk to me anymore. He told me she wouldn't appreciate him talking to other girls while he was talking to or with her. I hadn't talked to him in any way but just friends. Yes, I had sent him some pictures of myself and we did end up sleeping together but no one ever found out and it stayed between him and I. I deleted basically everything out of our chat and spent New Years crying.
I have never felt that bad about doing the things I've done until that day. I had felt I wasted my time on someone that wasn't even in it and just faked everything with me. I could feel my heart being broken and it sucked. Heartbreak is something you don't get over easily, I'm still getting over it. I currently don't have any communication with Ethan and it sucks but it's just something you have to do sometimes to help yourself move on. I hope that absolutely none of you have to know what heartbreak feels like. If you do, I'm here and fully willing to let you just talk and I'll listen or I'll talk to help you through it.
Even if you guys just had a rough day or something completely different I'm here to talk. I love all of you guys and all that you guys have done for me.
I know that it kinda started and ending sad but it was just some things that had happened to me over the past year. I'm not exactly sure how fast updates are coming but they will be coming. I wanted to get this finished and done before I even thought about updating chapters. I felt this was more important. Again I love you guys and updates are coming. Thank you all for the support and love you guys give me. I'll see you all in the next update.
Also, one more thing. Fuck you, Ethan.
Love you xx
