i don't care if you're contagious

dear

dear everyone
i have a letter to write to someone
in fact, many letters
to send those people in sweaters
warming by the fire
though these words aren't dire
they come from my heart
and no, they don't rhyme.

dear b,
i hope you're doing well
im glad you've got a girlfriend now
im glad you're happier than you've been since spring
though i fear you don't like me the way you say you do
and i fear im stepping a line calling you my brother
i wouldn't change you for the world.
im glad you're happy now.

dear s,
im so proud of what you are now
you've come so far from where you were
and you're happy! that's all i ever really wanted for you.
im glad you've found solace within me and my friends
and im glad you're in my life again.
so for being there for me through all these years, thank you.
keep doing well, and keep getting better.

dear k,
i don't know why you're so obsessed with helping
i know i push and push away
and im sorry im so hard to help
but thank you
more than anything, thank you
for not giving up, for listening and being there,
for understanding all my problems
and in my darkest times making me laugh still.
you will always have a place in my heart,
and im sorry i cannot reciprocate what you feel
but i truly... appreciate you.

dear b, t, and e,
all of you fell out of my life
and im sorry
i don't miss you most times
sometimes i do.
though all of you betrayed me and stomped on my heart,
i still never regret being your friend
because you all taught me
how to be a human being
and though i now dislike you,
i can't ever repay you, either.
thank you for teaching me
the most valuable lessons about real and fake
cause i won't forget.

dear l,
blood relations
supposed to be close, but far
you don't believe the things he and i say
but it's ok
i love you even if i don't show it.
you know how i am about love.

dear f,
this is the longest letter of these.
these 7 months have been up and down
i have the most but also the least to say to you
i don't love you.
though i can't get you off my mind
you make my blood boil
hotter than any star or sun in the universe.
every time you cross my mind,
you get right under my skin.
every song reminds me of something painful
and when i hear you sigh in class
it sends a jolt through my chest
i can't believe ive been 16 for 7 months
though it feels like yesterday you left
you got a new girl
not my business though
you taught me so many things in life
like to never trust anyone,
because they can and will take advantage of me
and that any other boy who loves me
will do the same thing you did.
i can't love again,
but it's fine.
the thought of love makes me sick to my stomach anyway.
the thought of calling anyone...
i can't stay on a call for more than 20 minutes now
cause im scared
that ill lose them.
you really fucked me up.
but you taught me one thing
how to stand up for myself.
how to be assertive
how to not put up with my own mistreatment.
you taught me that revenge is sweet,
but it isn't worth it.
i will snicker in the shadows,
but i refuse to cause bad things to happen
because that's dropping to your level
and if there is one thing i am sure of
is that i don't want to be like you.
f, you loved me like no other had.
but i loved you.
and you faked it.
a coin toss.
did our friendship even matter?
what did you think was gonna happen?
ive thought about it every day
and you're unphased.
202 days to the count.
and March 3rd
will be harder than anything
since that was the day i was so looking forward to this year.
i don't want you to feel guilt.
don't let these words affect you.
cause this is just a manifestation of what ive wanted to say
since day one.
i still remember how it felt to be yours
to feel special to someone
its why i wear your ring.
it's a reminder that...
long ago,
someone cared.
long ago,
i got the only person i ever felt this way about.
it's a reminder with every word i utter and write
i push you farther away
a reminder of how i after after you left was awful
and im sorry for that
every word we can't take back
is a horrible reminder i won't ever have someone like you again
this is not for pity
all i need is somewhere to write this
part of me hopes you see this
but part of me knows you wont.
part of me wants you to know how much you broke me,
part of me wants you to know that I got better on my own.
my favorite memory with you?
elitches. hands down.
that and New Years.
i always remember your laugh and your smile when i think of them.
it makes me smile
while tears run down my cheek
as i sit in the middle of my bed with my pavilion around me
winter,
love or hate me,
you won't ever forget me.
and i won't forget you.
and back in my memories,
i will always love you.
i loved you more than words could possibly say.
and yes, i missed you for so long
but im learning to live
and quite frankly, im happy
im a different person
i know you don't recognize me
the winter in my head is dead.
and i guess all i have to say to you...
is goodbye, my almost lover.

farewell, old friend.

catch you later, alligator.

thanks for the memories...

i won't ever forget them, hellhound...

you know i hate goodbyes.