Drowning | Evan Hansen X Reader

I: Damaged and Dangerous

When you're drowning in the ocean, and there's nobody around, do you try to scream for help or just swim further down?

My eyes are tired, wide, and watery from spending too much time on my laptop. My entire body, other than my moving hands and darting eyes, has become numb. The only movements are the occasional click on my touchpad and my eyes running up and down the bright screen. My legs could be burning and I wouldn't know it. I have even cut out all sounds - since when did those birds start singing outside?

Feeling the irritation of my stinging eyes, I blink a couple of times and wipe my lids clean of my tired tears.

I had been Googling ways to fake a fever all nights in hopes I could find some way to stay home from school today.

I know I shouldn't want to stay at home! It's the morning of the first day of school. I've been dreading it all summer. Nightmares come to me at night, the sound of the school bell echoing in my head endlessly. I hadn't been able to enjoy a moment of my summer with the thought of those long halls looming over my head like a rain cloud.

Let's see... I can use a hot pad and place it under me to warm up my entire body. Or I can hold hot water in my mouth before sticking in the thermometer. Or I can-

I might as well stop trying to avoid it; it's useless. At the end of the day, I can't stay home forever and I have to leave my room of sanctuary and go out into the real world where everyone can see me with the sun beating down on me and-

I clutch my fists onto my bedsheets and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the warm air of my room. I gasp for air before I can drown in my thoughts.

Not now. I can't think of that now. Please...

I look at the alarm clock on my bedside table and sigh. Two minutes until seven o'clock.

I run my hand through my slightly-wet hair. I showered a couple of hours ago - around five o'clock - since I couldn't sleep. I didn't bother to dry my hair.

I continue to scroll down wikiHow, but none of the solutions provided to me seem like they'll work. Mom works as a nurse's aide; I think she'll know what a fake fever looks like. Damn, this is useless. Why am I even bothering? There's no way I can avoid the inevitable.

I close my laptop and stare back at my clock. I keep my eyes locked on the glowing green numbers until it is exactly seven o'clock and the alarm goes off. I immediately turn off the alarm with my good arm.

Time to start this godforsaken day...

I swing my legs over my bed and cross the dimly-lit room to my drawer. Clothes for the first day of school. Mom offered to get me new clothes for the new year to "make a great impression on the other kids", but since I know we don't have much money, I declined and told her that my old ones are fine. Eventually, I'll need new clothes though; my old ones are getting small.

I cautiously pick out a blue striped shirt and hold it up to my body with my good arm. Good, it looks like it still fits. I then pull out my usual pair of khakis. This should be fine.

I change my clothes as quickly as a one-armed person can. Well, I don't really have one arm, but my left one is broken so I can't really use it. It's not really that big of a deal! I can still do most things - good thing it wasn't my right arm that got hurt! If it was my right arm then I wouldn't be able to write anything. And if I can't write anything, I can't take notes in school. If I can't take notes in school, I can't study. If I can't study, I'll fail and I'll end up without a good-paying job then I'll never be able to go out on my own and-

Maybe if I broke my right hand, I could use my left hand... But if I took notes with my left hand, I wouldn't be able to read my notes because my handwriting would be so bad and then the whole thing starts again!