it's just kissing | m.j ✓

CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT.

"Don't go."

Those are the first words out of Namjoon's lips once he pulls away. Jimin is still frozen where he is, his eyes wide and his lips almost trembling in surprise or fear or anger, Namjoon can't quite pinpoint. But he knows for a fact that fear is what must be spreading quickly to the tips of his own fingers. Why won't Jimin say anything? Why won't he do anything?

Is he even breathing right now? The almost deafening thudding in his head is a solid indication that his heart must indeed still be beating, but everything feels like a jumbled mess inside. His heart is in head. His gut is between his feet.

He can't tell if Jimin's heard him or not. He's not sure if he's managed to vocalize those words out loud or if he had been speaking to himself in his head again. He wishes Jimin would say something. Do something. Yell at him. Push him away. Anything. Because anything would be better than the current state of nothingness.

And the fear quickly turns to regret. This is it. He must've managed to fuck everything up because he let that stupid, naive old self talk to him. Because he let himself be persuaded by Wonho, who now he remembers was sort of like Jimin in the way he believes in love, people and all those things he probably shouldn't place so much faith in. This is how he's going to lose Jimin.

Namjoon feels sick. Like none of his organs are where they are supposed to be. He wants to run. He can't be here right now. He wants to apologize, but he can't seem to speak anymore, and it drives him mad, because he knows he has to explain himself. Jimin deserves at least that much from him. It shouldn't be that hard. Just open his mouth and start off with an "I'm sorry" and admit to Jimin how he feels about him. Tell him the truth for a change.

But he can barely manage to breathe, let alone explain himself, because Jimin is still watching him, frozen still and his expression still unreadable. Why won't the man say something?

Then he sees Jimin's lips twitching as if he's trying to formulate words as well, and Namjoon holds his breath, bracing himself. He knows Jimin is probably too nice to say anything mean to him. Too kind to express any kind of disgust he may feel. And the notion makes everything so much worse. How could he have done this to Jimin? How could he have been this selfish?

Jimin's quiet voice cuts through the silence, right through Namjoon, and Namjoon, who had been expecting the worst is caught completely off guard at the man's words.

"....You kissed me."

And that somehow magically snaps Namjoon out of his state of incoherence.

"I'm sorry," he finally manages to say, and his voice sounds shaky and cowardly to his own ears. He's managed to let those words out...but can he really explain himself? Is there anything he can say to justify what he's done?

"...Why?" Jimin asks before Namjoon can even try, and Namjoon looks right into the other man's eyes to understand where the question is coming from. He tries to detect any anger. Frustration. Annoyance. Even disgust. Yet he sees none of those things on Jimin's features. There's confusion. Utter confusion that seems almost heartbreaking in its intensity. There is sadness that Namjoon isn't sure where it's stemming from.

He knows he has to answer him, but what should he say? Jimin, I'm stupidly in love with you. I've been in love with you, but I've been acting around you the whole time because I'm a coward? I hated seeing you with Mingyu but was secretly glad, because I needed an excuse to not do what I just did? But I still did it anyway knowing that you're still with Mingyu? God, the words sound ugly even in his head. What will Jimin think of him now?