Confessions of Perry

6 The Fall

Sparkling, like diamonds found in deep earth. Captivating; as the breath-taking sceneries of God’s wondrous creations. Mysterious; resembling the shades of darkness that envelopes the night. His eyes; it is round like a full moon hanging in midair during twilight. Too alluring and it glows like a precious gem touched by sunlight.  His gaze it too enchanting, it is a window to all of my fantasies. Why do you have to look at me in such a way that I am too enthralled? Yet it is not only his gaze I am fascinated of; it is his smile. Dashing. Engaging. Same as the calm voice he has. Endearing. Friendly. Calm. His smile, his gaze, his voice; why does it capture my heart so easily?

It was just a dare that I made between myself, which suddenly became reality. I did not even notice that I will take the fall this quickly. Why do I have to take this ordeal every day? I hate it when he smiles, when he talks, and when he gazes at me. He just makes it even easier to take this risky fall.

 Why?

I ask myself several times during a dull afternoon class. I am looking at the open windows, fantasizing and wondering of what will be up for tomorrow; what will be up for us. I take a glimpse of our professor, articulating words I cannot understand, my brain would just not function. The white board is full of scribbled letters and numbers for which I stare blankly. I suddenly felt the urge to write down some notes. I glance at Louise, wondering how come he is not bored. The empty canister of chocolate that I usually bring to class which lays between our arms caught my attention. I stare at it for a while marvelling how did it become bare, then I take it and place it on top of my heaving desk.  I lean forward to peak at my bag hanging on the chair in front of me, and then suddenly a thing gets into the pockets of my blazer. I abruptly sit back, place my hands to claim it, hold it up and it is the empty canister. From the corner of my vision, I see Louise looking at me; forcefully controlling a joking smile. I look at him waywardly and place the canister back to my desk and return to what am I about to do. Again, the canister get into my pockets, but this time, he did not let it go, his hands were in my pockets too.

 His hands!

Calm down, it is just his hands; his freaking hands.

Should I grab it? Or should I hold his arm instead?

 Blood comes rushing into my veins, swiftly making its way to my heart to sustain its pace of thrashing like a drum. My hands start to get icy, and the same feelings come stepping up once more. I dare to look at him; he is looking into thin space, as if nothing happening, as if he is not doing anything. I wait for him to notice me, and he did not fail me. He face me while his hands are still inside my pockets. His face did not show any sign of confusion and astonishment. He looks back at me and simply asks; “What?”

I look at him annoyed. Look straight in his eyes and glare at his hands inside my pockets. I grab his skinny arms and place it in his desk, still holding the canister. After doing so, he smiles back; the same sweet charming way of his. For the nth time of my life, I fell once more and towards a person that seems to have no idea of what he is capable of doing. I make a ridiculous expression, trying to hide my feelings, as the loud pump of my heart reverberates inside me.

 “Urgh!” I mumble loudly as I can as he continues to stare at me looking thrilled.

 Please stop staring at me like that. . .

Unable to hear my plea, he continues his liquefying gaze and his pouty lips forms a witty smile. Unsure of what I should do, I simply smile back.

***

“Something’s new?” Anj asks, one afternoon break.

 “What?” I inquire shocked, while cleaning the utensils with a clean tissue and distributing it to them.