Monica. (When Life Takes A Wrong Turn Series #1)

Chapter 4 ... Same Boat.

" — that's not an excuse to kill yourself! I actually expect more from you! I am disappointed in you! —"

Replaying Alice's words from the early morning I walked poignantly to school heart beating with self-hatred, eyes glistening with tears, the result of the ghosts of darkness and hatred I walked around with.

Alice had been furious with me this morning, so aggravated she left for work angrily not waiting to drive me to school, she had been infuriated when she found out I had overdosed myself yesterday with various sleeping pills thereby knocking myself into fifteen hours of being asleep like a corpse.

Sending myself to the doorpost of death was something she obviously wasn't okay with, she had showed it to me this morning in the most painful way ever.

My actions were fait accompli and that made me feel petrified for bringing Alice pain this morning, I felt odious for waking up her demons and terrible for knowing I made her lose control over her anger.

I was nothing but problem to people around me, I was a threat to people's happiness and lives, Alice had been stuck with the wrong person, cause as surely as I was in Alice's life, I would definitely be the reason for her death.

Sleeping for fifteen hours with no nightmares or memories coming to take more from the tiny flame of life I had left had been peaceful, if Alice hadn't rebuked it I would have kept doing it, because for fifteen hours I didn't have any memories from my past or anything that could have torn me apart. For fifteen hours, though I had been close to death, I had felt for the first time... Free.

My weekend had been pathetic, after school on Friday my mind had kept me in that circle of pain and regrets incessantly poisoning my soul bringing another form of darkness that had no limitations. 

On top of that nanny had been trying to befriend me, she had been doing everything in her power to create a tiny spot in my heart, her acts reminded me of that woman I had had that always made me smile always loved and believed in me, the one that made me feel cherished and important even when others claimed I wasn't, that perfect soul that Life had taken from me ... My mama.

After hearing Kylie's story, I had felt really sorry for her cause I understood what trauma was, I understood what it was to slowly be drifting off the path of death while you watch others succeed and live their lives to the fullest knowing you deserve that and would have gotten it if only fate hadn't intervened and made a deal with Life to exterminate you.

All this had been my reason for overdosing, it was heart aching to know I understood a person the world referred to as a demoness, it was painful to get shoved in my face the life I should have had but lost, what was more painful was to have those memories constantly in my mind reminding me of my pasts as they kept laughing at me, drowning me in tears and minutes without oxygen.

I seek a distraction but surprisingly Olamide's stopped bringing it's charm in my world, it stopped letting me be faintly happy, it prevented me from noticing nature and seeing every part of life more than a curse.

I seriously wished Alice would understand how hard it was to endure all this since Friday, it hasn't been easy and I just got so lost in pain that I failed to care for anything but the large amount of grief I felt, so lost that injecting myself with lots of sleeping pills seemed like nothing.

Pocketing my hands in my jacket that had a colour I could refer to, a colour that symbolized emptiness, pain, sorrow, loneliness... A colour that was my me — black

I took slow steps to school still feeling the dizziness erupting from the pills, buds in my ears making no sound except for trapping me and chaining me tighter to my fears and insecurities, I wiped a tear that rolled down my cheek showing how much I was suffering from agony.