Another Scottish Tragedy [LAMS AU]

7

Trigger warning: emotional abuse/manipulation mention, sex mention, drug mention

This chapter is really sad y'all sorry

John stepped out the shower after his third shower of the day, wrapping a towel around his waist.

He put his clothes back on and put his hair into a ponytail then sat down on his bed to finally get started on his homework.

He was inturrupted by a knock at his door.

When he opened it, Hercules and Lafayette were there, the latter looking quite distraught.

"I am so sorry, mon ami." Lafayette said, wrapping his arms around John.

"Laff, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have let you walk away alone with him."

"Laff, it's fine. Please. I had to walk away with him. He didn't remember me from high school. If I'd resisted or acted like I knew anything about him he would have gotten suspicious. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But it was my idea to go. If I hadn't made you go with us none of this would have happened."

"Laff, it's fine. He didn't hurt me." John spread his arms. "Look, I'm unharmed. I'm fine."

Lafayette finally let go of John.

"I should have paid more attention. I went off and got drunk and started stripping. If Hercules hadn't saw you Charles would have..."

"Forget about Charles Lee." He said.

"I can't forget about Charles Lee." Lafayette said. "And Charles Lee isn't going to forget about you. He's gonna try to find you again and he's gonna get what he wants from you one way or another and when he does it's all gonna be my fault."

John shook his head. "No, he's not. I'm not going to let him."

Hercules looked uncomfortable.

"Laurens... what exactly happened with Charles Lee?" He asked.

John shook his head. "I really don't like to talk about it. It was... bad."

"I get that. I'm sorry I asked. I just... was a little but concerned. This seems a bit more complicated than just a simple case of not wanting to see your stupid ex again."

John sighed. He'd never told anyone the whole story of Charles Lee. He'd mentioned something about an ex to friends in high school, but he'd never gone into detail. Never said anything about how they'd met or why they'd broken up.

The truth is, he felt stupid about about the whole thing. The entire situation with Charles was his fault. None of this would have happened if he hadn't been stupid. He didn't want to tell anyone because he feared that they'd laugh at him for being stupid, that they'd call him a fuck up and a failure and tell him that he was doomed to be alone forever.

But maybe he should tell someone. Maybe that would make it better. Even if they did call him a moron, it wouldn't make a difference. He already knew he was a moron, it wasn't like they'd be telling him anything he didn't already know. And maybe they could give him advice, maybe they could teach him how not to be so much of a moron.

"It happened because I was a moron." John said. "Because I was a fucking idiot. I was a freshman in high school. I'd recently lost the majority of my friends and I was lonely. I was longing for something to be a part of, for someone who cared about me and made me feel like I mattered. I got an Instagram DM from Charles one night. I followed a bunch of people from our school and I guess we followed a lot of the same people so he started following me too. I knew he went to my school but I'd never talked to him. He was a junior, I was a freshman.
"He messaged me for the first time because I put a Panic! at the Disco lyric as one of my captions. I may not act like it now but I was really emo when I was younger. I stayed up all night talking to him about music. He made me feel loved, feel like I mattered. He cared about me when no one else in my life did.
"He told me he loved me and I had a full-blown panic attack. I ran downstairs to my dad because I was terrified. I couldn't tell him it was about a boy because he's homophobic, but I told him that I was afraid of someone from school. He handed me his pistol and told me to kick his ass. I blocked him and sat in my bed crying. I was young and stupid and I didn't know what to do. I was too young for a relationship. I was too young to be flirting with older boys.
"I told Charles that I was sorry for blocking him, that I just wanted to be friends. He said he understood. But he kept flirting with me. And over time I started flirting back. I saw everyone around me dating and I wanted a relationship too. I didn't want to be single anymore. He asked me out again and I said yes. He told me to meet him outside before school. We'd never spoken in person before.
"I was overjoyed. My first relationship. But it wasn't good for long. Looking back, it was never good. He made me do things I wasn't comfortable doing. He made me hurt people he didn't like, made me skip class so I could hang out with him. He dragged me to parties and I would walk in shaking and terrified and he would have me on his arm like a fucking ornament. He would make me drink and smoke and when I said that I didn't want to he would threaten me. He would threaten to tell my parents that I'm gay if I didn't do what he wanted. I was so afraid of what my father would do to me if he knew I was gay that I just did what he wanted.
"I stole drugs for him. I went to the junior parking lot and vandalized the cars of people he didn't like. I'd smash their windows and slash their tires. He taught me to hack computers and leak the private photos of his enemies. The only thing I refused to do was... it. I told him no, and for once he accepted it. But that didn't stop him from making me get on my knees for him in the school bathroom.
"In the middle of sophomore year I decided that enough was enough. I didn't want to be with him anymore. He was furious. He threatened to tell my parents that I'm gay. He threatened to tell the entire school that I'm gay. For weeks after we broke up I lived in terror. I packed suitcases because I knew my father would kick me out of the house if he knew I was gay. Hell, I was so scared of Charles I started writing my goddamn will.
"Eventually, Charles moved on. I heard whispers that he was with Samuel Seabury. And I was relieved. I was relieved that Samuel had taken my place, that someone else was suffering in my place. I knew that someone else was suffering and I was happy about it. To be honest, I think that's the worst part."

John sighed. He'd never told anyone any of that, so it felt strange to finally say it out loud. Hercules and Lafayette were staring at him with wide eyes. John looked down, unable to meet their eyes.

"Laurens..."

"Y-Yeah."

Hercules reached out and took John's hand.

"John, none of that was your fault." He said.

"Yes it was. He laid a trap and my stupid ass walked right into it."

"Charles Lee is a bad person. That isn't your fault."

John shook his head. "It was my fault because I talked to him. I was dumb. I was too young and stupid for a relationship, too young and stupid to talk to older guys. But I did it anyway."

Hercules leaned over and hugged John. Lafayette joined them and all three of them were sitting on John's bed hugging.

"I won't let that disgusting boy hurt you, I promise."

John nodded.

So, Freshman John. This is what it feels like to be loved.