habits of my heart (h.s.)

twenty

I had never seen Harry looking more pale. The sight of Anna on my brother's phone screen seemed to be his worst nightmare coming true. I could tell that he was trying to maintain his composure, but there was no use. Adam was blind.

"What, man?" he pressed. "Do you know this girl? Is she a psycho? Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?" He laughed, albeit a little awkwardly, but Harry didn't join in.

"She's no one," he shook his head. "I....I don't know her."

I stared at him, taken aback by his blatant lie. It wasn't like I had been expecting him to admit to my brother that they had been in a serious relationship, but if he was truly over it, why wouldn't he just tell him the truth? The answer to my question rang loud and clear, but I didn't want to admit it to myself: that he wasn't over Anna. That maybe he never had been.

"You sure?" Adam asked. He was looking back and forth at the two of us with a confused expression on his face, like he knew something was up. I quickly pasted on a blank look and glanced away, not wanting to give myself away.

Harry nodded vigorously. "Yeah. Of course. So, are you gonna....meet her?"

I cleared my throat loudly. He flinched and then mumbled, "Never mind."

"Probably," Adam shrugged. "I mean, she's super pretty. Don't you think, Aly?"

I glanced down at the photo of Anna again. She was pretty, what with her shiny blonde hair and her gap-toothed half-smirk. It felt impossible not to compare myself to her, and, despite my better judgement, I asked, "What do you think, Harry?"

He at least had the decency to look guilty. He blinked a couple of times before shrugging. "I....uh, I don't know. I guess."

It wasn't like I didn't want him to agree with my brother (although, let's be honest, I probably would have smacked him if he had). I just hated how weird he was being about all of this. Being weird about it indicated that he had an issue with Anna being with someone else....and I was pretty sure that deep down, I knew why.

"I have to go," I mumbled. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, but all I knew was that I couldn't be in there anymore. I couldn't be around him anymore. I grabbed my phone off the table before running out the door, ignoring the confused cries of Adam and Harry behind me.

I had just wanted him to put me first. Was that so difficult to ask for? Wasn't that the whole point of being in a relationship? Not that we were actually in one. I felt a lump begin to form in my throat as a i remembered our conversation from earlier—how much he had avoided the topic of labeling what we were. Was I allowed to get this crazy if he wasn't even officially my boyfriend? Probably not.

Ugh.

See, this was why I didn't get involved with my roommates in the first place. I knew myself, and I couldn't do one night stands, or friends with benefits, or whatever you wanted to call it. Sex was always going to be meaningful for me, one way or another, and I should've known it wouldn't be any different with Harry. I mean, what were we doing? We lived together. We weren't even dating, and things were already weird. I couldn't handle this unnecessary stress about not being good enough, about being replaced, not when I had so much else on my mind. I could either be in a relationship or not, not in some blurred line in between. Unfortunately, I was coming to realize that Harry didn't see things the same way.

Deep down, I knew what I had to do, even if it wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do: end things. I had to end whatever this was before we took things too far and I ended up getting too attached. I hated how crazy this was making me already, and I couldn't imagine what I would be like a couple of months down the line. I couldn't do this, not when Harry was my roommate, not when he wasn't interested in a relationship, and definitely not when he wasn't over Anna.