With Love

Lost Ones

Meet Mandy

         My name is Mandy. Mandy Jacobs. I am a senior at Dixie Springs high school. I am number 1 in my class. I have big dreams. I'm going to go to college to be a doctor, I was going to marry my boyfriend Skip and move to the big city. Its so sad how one night can ruin your whole life. I thought Skip and I were going to grow old together. I thought that everything was going to go as planned since I was a smart girl. I feel so stupid! I feel like a fool for believing all that bullshit Skip told me about us being together forever. Skip and I have been together since the 7th grade. Yes the 7th grade! We've been dating for 6 years. Yeah, we had our ups and downs but hey, love conquers all huh? That's what we lived by. Every time we got mad at each other or things got real hectic in our relationship... we would say to ourselves "Love conquers all." I was madly in love with Skip. We have matching tattoos. On our pinky finger, we have "Trust". 

I remember the day everything turned upside down. It was a Tuesday. I was feeling real tired and sick to my stomach. I was sitting in Advanced Math when I had this horrible pain in my stomach. I tried to ignore it, I thought it was just cramps since my period was late. The pain got worse to where I couldn't handle it. Then, I got nauseous, I felt like I was about to faint. I raised my hand and asked my teacher Mrs.Parker could I go to the restroom. She said no. I started gagging then I ran out of class and ran to the restroom. I threw up. I sat on the restroom floor. I felt so sick, then I threw up again. I was bent over the toilet, on my knees vomiting when I heard footsteps. "Ms.Jacobs, are you okay" I didn't answer, I started throwing up again. Then she opened the stall I was in. It was Mrs.Parker. "Are you okay?" she asked "I dont know, I feel really sick" I answered "Did you eat anything?" she asked "No, My stomach has been in knots all week" I answered "How do you feel?" she asked "Sick, nauseated" I answered. I got off the floor to rinse my mouth out. She followed me "Are you on your period?" she asked. In my head I was like why are you asking me all these damn questions but I politely said "No, Its a month late". "Are you pregnant?" she asked "NO!" i snapped. How could she ask me such a thing? "Well... you might be you know since...." I cut her off and said "with all due respect, if I was pregnant, its none of your business, so do me a favor and get out of mine" She walked away.

After she said that... it made me think.... am I pregnant? Well Skip and I have been dating for 6 years ... of course we have sex time from time but we always use protection... except for once. We were horny and he said he would pull out early so I didnt really worry about it. But as I think about it..... i was stupid. 

After school, I went in the Walgreen's to get a pregnancy test. I stole it. I didn't have money to buy it. I stuck 4 tests in my bag and went home. When I got home my mother wasn't there. I went in my room, sat on my bed and stared at the box. I read the "99.9% ACCURATE" label 20 times. Then I went in the bathroom, pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet. I pulled out the little stick and I read the instructions. Plus for pregnant, minus for not pregnant.  I peed on all four of the sticks and waited 15 minutes to see the results. I was so nervous. The 15 minutes was up. I slowly walked in the bathroom to look at the tests. Scared to see the results. I thought to myself how over my life was going to be if I was pregnant. I thought of the speeches I would receive from my parents. The more I thought, the more my stomach turned into knots. I picked up one stick and seen a plus, I threw it down and picked up another one and seen a plus, I threw it down and picked up the last two and seen 2 pink pluses. I screamed. I fell on the floor and screamed. I crawled into a corner and cried. I grabbed all the pregnancy tests and put them in a Ziploc bag and stuffed them in my purse.

I called Skip. "Hello?" he said. I was silent "Helllooooo?" He said "Hey" I said sadly "whats wrong?" he said. I guess he heard the sadness in my voice "I have something to tell you" I said "what is it baby?" he said "I'm-" i stopped "I'm, I'm pregnant" I said. The phone was quiet "Hello? Skip?" I said "I'm here" he responded "I'm pregnant!" I stated. "What the fuck Mandy? You said you were on the pill?" he yelled "I AM ON THE PILL, ITS NOT JUST UP TO THE GIRLS!" i yelled back "I DON'T WANT A FUCKING KID MANDY!" He yelled "Well, what do you want me to do?" I cried "Kill it" he said "KILL IT? NO I'M NOT KILLING IT" I yelled. "Mandy, think about it, do you want a baby that is a mistake? Do you want a baby whose father wants nothing to do with them?" he said "How dare you fucking say that to me? I can't take away a life! I cant kill my own child! That's something that will weigh heavy on me for the rest of my life! I didn't make this kid by myself Skip.." I cried "I know baby, a baby will ruin your life and mine, we don't need this... think about it" he said. I hung up. 

I sat in my room in the dark holding one of the pregnancy tests in my hand. Every 4 minutes, I would check to see if it changed. It didn't. Next thing that I know my mom walked in. I didn't even hear her. I would have hid the test but why? I have no reason to hide this. She looked at the test then looked at me. She sat down next to me. She didn't say a word. I didn't say a word. ''You've messed up Mandy"  she said "What are you going to do?" "I was thinking about abortion....." I said nervously "Is that what you want to do?" she asked "Yeah, I think so. What do you think?" I asked. "I think you're old enough to make your own decisions. Its your body. Just know, whatever you choose, you are the one that has to live with it" Then she walked out my room. I was shocked. I was expecting her to make me keep the child since I did have sex to make the child but she wanted me to have an abortion. Then I started to think.... maybe this is the best choice. 

The next day at school I felt even worse than I did yesterday. When I felt my stomach, I swore I felt my kid. I even smiled a little. Then I realized that tomorrow, my mom was taking me to the clinic to get an abortion. All these thoughts kept running through my mind. Do I want to keep the baby, lose the love of my life and be depressed or do I want to kill the baby, keep the love of my life and still be depressed? Either way I would lose. The thoughts became unbearable so I put in my headphones and played J.Cole's song Lost ones. I could relate to this song. Well except the man's part, I think I would actually feel better if Skip's head was like J.Cole's head when he was writing this song. I had the song on repeat. Listening to the girl's part over and over again. Then the thoughts came back. Maybe I should keep the baby, abortion is murder, I don't want that sin! If I abort the baby, I would be sad about it everyday. If I keep the baby, I would lose my soul mate. The man that I've been with for 6 years. It seems like I can't win. Then I thought, at least I would still have Skip. I decided to get the abortion.

The next day at the clinic. I sat on the little bed starting at all the posters on the wall about pregnancy while my mom sat in the stool next to me reading a pamphlet about teenage pregnancy. "I can't believe you're pregnant" my mom said. I ignored her and continued to look at all the posters. "I knew you were fucking that's why I put you on birth control" I ignored her again. She was becoming annoying. "MMMMHM, Pregnant at 17, That's just sad. I guess I'm a bad mother for not watching you like I should" she said giggling. "Mom, SHUT UP!" I said "Excuse me Mandy?" she said "You're over there making your side comments making me feel worse! Can you stop?" I asked "Hey, You're the one that got pregnant at 17, not me, now I have to spend $250 dollars that I DON'T have to get you a damn abortion!" she said "Yeah, you're right mom! You didn't get pregnant at 17, you got pregnant at 15" I said. My mom was quiet for a while then she said "At least I didn't take the easy way out, I kept you and took care of you. I didn't even graduate high school... All because of you" I gave her a nasty look. "I'm sorry I'm such a burden on you mom" I said tearing up. "Mandy, you're not a burden okay, yeah, I'm a little disappointed in you but I love you so much."  That made me feel a little better. Then the doctor came in with a needle full of some kind of medicine. I guess it was the medicine that was going to abort my kid. I started at the needle. "Lay back" she said. I laid back. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it.

When I got home, I walked to Skip's house. I Knocked on the door, his little brother opened the door. "Hey Man, wheres skip?" I asked "He's in his room" he said "Can I come in?" "Yeah" I walked back to his room. The door was closed. I tried to open the door but it was locked. That was strange. "WHO IS IT?" He yelled. I didn't say anything, I kept knocking. He opened the door only wide enough to show his face. "I told you about popping up on me, fuck you want?" I gave him a nasty look then I pushed the door open. It was Briana, naked in his bed. He was naked too. I looked at her, she looked at me. I looked at him, he looked at me, he looked at her, she looked at him. I looked at her, then I looked at him, then her again.. "You don't care about me do you Skip?" I said. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes but I tried my hardest to suck it up. I don't want him, I don't want THEM to see my at my worst. "Uh, I don't think things are going to work out between us Mandy. I want to try something new" he said. I gave him a disgusting look "That's fine Skip, I understand" I said. "Okay then!" he said with a grin. I walked away. I held it all in on the bus and on the walk home.  As I got home, in my room. I flipped out. I cried so hard. The tears where thick and hot. I really love Skip. We been through so much, it's really hard .

With Love